im rather overdue for a bitching rant that is bottling up and welling up and close to errupting from every pore and outlet my body has available (yes dear reader, even the butthole).
one thing i am perplexed by (even after my own mistake in doing it) is the concept of spending EVERY WAKING MINUTE with someone when you begin a new relationship. i don't get it. i mean i see how it happens, dont get me wrong, but ... GET A LIFE.
i don't have the means to fathom anymore, after setting myself free from being everything someone ELSE wanted, how any one person could lay down their likes and passions and alone time. i mean, how can you get so lost and so wrapped up in someone else's life and wants and likes that you don't even spend ONE day by yourself? there is NOTHING wrong with being alone.
shit, after 2 years of it, im really an authority figure to speak on the subject. i used to be afraid of it at first.... when J and i split, i rushed to fill the void and tried to start dating but then i quickly realized, i had lost myself in another person for so long, i had no idea who i was.
now, i spend so much time being and doing for everyone else, i relish the idea of quiet nights, curled up with a book or collage scraps or stealing some of bubba's color tabs that make the bath water whatever color my heart desires (except when i mix too many colors together and it turns mucky brown). the idea of silence and solace is so inviting and intoxicating, i honestly wish i had it right now....
so there is my rant. there is my one area of confusion for today. the one subject i have no idea how to begin to fathom the nature and desire of losing yourself completely in another person so much so to the point where you lose your whole life, throw your responsibilities to the wayside, and have zero time for yourself.
maybe im a cynical fuck and really, you don't have to agree with me. i mean seriously, im eating a brick of cheese right now typing about how i hate the idea of relationships that basically turn into this pseudo-marriage/co-habitation situation so rapidly. i just think everyone needs a bit of space and alone time. everyone needs to love themselves and you cant really know and love your real self unless you spend time with your real self..... the real self that shakes every last ounce of chubby buttcheek in the mirror in their underpants- carefree and with reckless abandon to the worst of guilty pleasure pop songs.... the real self that has no idea when the sheets were last washed or if a bathing suit can double as underwear because laundry comes second to a long bike ride.... those kinds of things.
maybe i just now have an appreciation for such things after spending years of hating and hiding my real self.... every awkward face and gesture, every snort and every giggle, my pants recycled for i dunno how many weeks on end before they make it to the wash, my real self that owns pretty much nothing but superhero underpants, my real self that has a dairy allergy yet eats so much cheese.... my real self that has been hurt and still is finding more wounds that need neosporin and muppet bandaids...the good, the silly, the bad, and the very ugly... we all have these parts to ourselves.... it's just a matter of loving every aspect of yourself..... i didnt realize how beautiful my broken and ugly could be until i sat down with her and realized she's just a little bit hurt from the past and needs a friend. i gotta say, today was a day one more wound was bandaged and one more actually healed.
so love yourself friends.... take time for yourself friends... it's really that ok.
this rant has not been brought to you by a cynical bitter old hag, but merely by someone who is walking this path and finding out more amazing things on it every day and just wants others to know this invaluable freedom too. the end.