Wednesday, July 10, 2013

the big 3-0

i thought it would be just another year.
i thought it was another number, another age, a sign of progression.
little did i know it would begin the most difficult year i think i have ever faced.

and you might be thinking, "kelly, it's just a matter of perspective- a matter of outlook and point of view on the things you're facing."
to which i reply.... "while that may be true, dear reader, in this case, no."

so much.
so much has been uprooted and overturned.  rugs have been pulled from beneath my feet, and my tired eyes are gazing at mountains too high to climb.  i mean, shit, i have vertigo from just looking at them. 

this is my last week of fun times with bubs.
for the past few YEARS, it has been she and i during the week when i didnt have school.  playdates and funtimes.  but now, now i am going to barely see her.  im taking it a bit worse than she is.
this concludes school and bridges my gap into the real working world in a field and profession i do not know much about.  i feel ill-prepared from the clusterfuck that has been the last few quarters of my schooling and from my own procrastination.  i have a licensing exam in under a month i have barely studied for and a board exam in september i haven't even looked at the information for. 

"well, what the fuck kelly?"  you might be thinking to yourself.
i know.  i know.
my priorities have been self centered and self concerning at best.
and then there came my genius idea to take myself off my meds and out of therapy.
my genius idea to just do this all on my own.
my body and mind and soul are just simply exhausted.
i have yard work and painting and house stuff to deal with.
i want to make art and music and have time for friends and fun outings with bubs.
i have bills to pay and no funds in which to do so.

i'm at an adult-crossroads and i would like to turn and run back to my youth.
but i cant.
and in 2 months this stress and chaos will be over.
in 2 months, i am hoping some sort of normalcy will emerge and a regular schedule to bring solace to my burned out spirit.

but i don't feel confident.
i dont feel prepared.
i dont feel ready.

i crave change like most, but when it hits, i want to run for the covers on my bed and just hide like a small child during a thunderstorm.
im not as brave as i would like to admit and pretend.

and that's the major thing.
as much as i tell others i hate lies and i hate phoniness....

I AM THE BIGGEST CULPRIT OF BOTH.... but not to others, just to myself.
i am so mean to myself.
i am so hard on myself.
i ignore myself.

so having to face all of these changes and this 60 hour a week work schedule not counting bubs and driving time and some "homework" in there.... i am at a loss.
my brain is fried and i just want to give up.

ive been spending nights in my bed or on my couch avoiding all things responsible and all things people because i just want to wish this life change away.
but it wont go away.
and i can't ignore it.
it's happening at a more rapid pace than i care to realize.

less time with bubs, less free time, a more hectic and demanding schedule, studying, and all of the things related to my house i still have yet to complete.
maybe i should go back on my meds.
maybe i should talk to someone.
or maybe i should slap on a big hairy pair and just face what's coming.
im not a kid anymore and i can't act like it.

it's time i grew up....
it's time i let go...
it's time i face what i have to, grit my teeth, and weather the upcoming storm....
cos it certainly wont go away because im wishing it away.

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