so this is the new year...

normally this death cab song runs through my brain every dec 31/jan 1.
it has been running in my head since last nite.
the line is:
"so this is the new year and i dont feel any different."

this is the first time i do feel different.
so much shit has just come to a really gross head.
like a gigantic pus filled zit.
and im popping it.
im fully aware of the nasty goo that is going to shoot out on the mirror and on my fingers, but i cant pretend that it is not an eye sore and that it isnt bothering me.

i am fully prepared for people to not like this new me.
i am fully prepared for people to like this new me.

im done guys.
im done being a doormat and a pushover because im wanting to be so nice that i dont want to hurt anyone's feelings.
sometimes the truth hurts.
i spent all of last year with added weight on my shoulders and burdens to carry that were simply out of not wanting to disappoint anyone else.
well, not to say i will no longer be nice, but it's high time i speak up for myself ALL of the time BEFORE it gets out of hand.

im done being expendable.
you can NOT take and take and take and take from a person at your own whim and on your own time without it having an impact on that person you are constantly taking from.

i live with the lifestyle that if i dont want it done to me, i wont do it to anyone else.
this means i dont lie to people, i tell people how i feel, i dont use people, and im all about the "respect all life" way of living.

so what does this mean from here on out?
no, im not going to be some expendable piece of ass.
i want stability and something genuine and real.
this means i am not going to let my space get encroached upon and usurped.
i am going to love the fuck out of the people in my life and if it scares them, so be it.
this means im not going to be afraid of eyeballs and comments and whispers and glares.
im going to murder the entire world with my friendliness and my smile if that's what it takes.

im done hiding.
im done being quiet.
im done being made to feel bad for having feelings.
im done being made to feel bad for wanting to be more than some convenient option when the time presents itself.

im sticking up for myself in full force now.
i will have a lot of peoples' backs til death .... and it used to be anyones but my own.  well guess what?  that's stopping now.

if you are one of the people that have been using me and walking all over me and just taking.... if you are one of the people that think of me in a matter of convenience and expendability, be prepared to never see me again and to be hearing some strong words before i vanish.  i am just simply not putting up with this shit anymore.  it's gone on for too long.

so good morning world.
this is 30 year old kelly haines.
new decade, new person, no more bullshit.