Friday, October 18, 2013

no soapbox to broadcast this from

i quit.
i absolutely give up.
i have no social media to broadcast this from, so whoever actually reads this may be more interested in my meager little life than i would have assumed.

i can't say i've hurt this bad in a long time.
i don't even know a time where my heart felt so broken and so fragmented.
i have no memory of a time where i have felt this alone.

i thought life was leading me down a certain path.
i claimed this one person saved my life and brought me to the family i wanted all along.
it was a pipe dream, however.
a steaming pile of horse shit.

i've been called ugly.
i've been called uninteresting.
i've been called off putting.
i've been lied to.
i've been lied to a lot in fact.
it's a repeat cycle of high school where i just am not enough in some measure and therefore am not ok to be seen with, not ok to know, and certainly not ok to hang out with.

so i spend a lot of time alone.
i got told to try.
i got told to invite myself places, show up at shows, and ask people to hang out.
i've done all of the above and have gotten the strangest of faces, mean mugs, or simply been ignored.

i can't say i've hurt this bad in a long time, cos for a while, i did feel like i belonged somewhere.
for a brief few months, i was happy.
i was finding my niche, my place, and hell i thought i finally found a family.

im not sure what i have left.
i just know that i havent hurt this bad in a long time.
my subconscious must be working overtime cos i woke up from a nap with a tear soaked cheek and pillow.

maybe my life's purpose is just to get really smart and read lots of books and write things that no one reads.
that's all ive got for now.

i've been torn to shreds by people this past week to the point where i don't find much to believe in about myself.
shit, i bawled my sorry head off when bubs out of nowhere stopped me and told me i was a great mom.

but i hurt.
i just want someone to let me know im enough.
maybe that im even good enough.
that it's ok to be seen with me in public, ok to know me.
that i just need a little help having fun cos i always have to be the responsible one and im not always sure how.
i just want someone to let me know they care about me.
maybe that they care about me not cos i can GIVE them anything really, but just cos im worth it.

i can hope that one day i wont ever feel like this again.
and this isnt to say there arent maybe like 4 people on the planet that i can call my friends, but... im alone a lot more than i want to be.
im alone with my thoughts and myself and that never ends up being a very good thing.

so, whatever person is reading this right now or may read this in the future.... and even if no one reads this ever at all...
im in the worst pain of my life.
im in the worst pain because i feel completely rejected and alone.

i don't admit this kind of stuff often.
when i do i get told im crazy.
when i do i get asked if im drunk or high.
the reality is i think that most people don't like being told they may have damaged something.  no one likes to ever be at fault.   plus, if youre not experiencing it, you may just not be aware you're even doing it.

so, i get that i dont matter.
i get it....
i just wish it werent such a resounding reminder ....
i liked not feeling small for a brief moment.
i liked getting hugs and having people want me to come over or say hi.
but slowly.... i stopped mattering and now....
now i wish i never once mattered so at least i wouldnt have to feel like this anymore.

maybe one day i can matter again.  i'd like that.
i'd like to be able to mean something to someone other than a delightful 3 year old.
she's great and all but... what can i give her if im empty myself?

so yeah, this is what a loner sounds like.  a dejected one at least.

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