Sunday, October 20, 2013

up and down like steady waves

my insomnia's crept back in.
my sanity comes and goes, up and down like steady waves.

im not sure what's real or imagined and fear that maybe i am slightly insane.... unstable if you will.
not the dangerous to myself or anyone else kind.... just the kind that isn't sure what is actual vs what is assumed.

i fear that maybe my outburst and reactions as of late have been more due to lack of sleep and emotional instability, preconceived and assumed misunderstandings more than actual contempt and hatred for myself.

i feel kind of sick to my stomach.
i feel kind of petty and selfish and sad.
like a small child's post-tantrum outburst.

but i did what they said.
i tried to invite myself places and show up at things.
im realizing that you can't force a square peg into a round hole, and i, i am that square peg.

i am finding that there are a few hoping to round my sharpened corners, to let me know that im not alone in a round world.
and maybe right now i just simply need the bare minimum.  the few to be there on occasion.
maybe i need to find the balance and know that alone does not equal something horrible.
that alone does not mean i am not loved and wanted.

i hate seasonal depression.
no i never admit it to people and just like with all of my other hiccups and hangups, i pretend it doesnt exist. 
i attempt to ignore my obvious fate that when there are 4 days of gloomy gray skies, rain, and cold temperatures, and i am not surrounded by anyone but bubs and picklcat, i get sad.  i get sad and angry that anyone is having any ray of sunshine.  i get sad that no one wants to share any warmth with me but a 3 year old and a cat.

and maybe it's such insanity, such up and down predictability that frightens away the masses.

ive retreated to coffee and books. 
ive confined myself to tea and movies.
ive enveloped myself in records and staring blankly out my large living room window into a bleak, gray, fragmented sky and tree branches.

this morbid solitude that does me no good is what i fear.
i fear it most because i sadly thrive off of being around large groups of people and they seemingly run from me like the plague.

what a delicious catch 22 i seem to be in.
up and down like steady waves my sanity comes and goes.
my eyes burn with fatigue. 
im not sure the last time i got a good night's sleep.
sadness haunts me.
solitude mocks me.

i try to escape these demons in sleep but they won't let it come.
and with the insomnia comes fatigue and with the fatigue my thoughts become less logical.

there are moments however, fueled by caffeine and literary works, where logic does creep in.
moments like now where i feel foolish and stupid for caring so much about being so alone.
moments like now where i am relishing the silence and solitude.

i think more than anything i just want to be around people and maybe i am the one that sucks life out of others without realizing it.
maybe that is why no one seems to want me to come out and about.

but then my old ass, sitting here in blissful silence wonders why i even care.
i frankly have no answer.

so i float on this wave for now.... the seemingly up wave, waiting for my crash later.
it's nice to have a brief moment to see above sea level to a beautiful horizon.
im going to savor this moment:
the silence, the solitude, the clarity, the logic.... most of all the logic.

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