ahem....

it's funny.... no, probably more taxing and wearing, but.... anyway... it's those things... how so many close people can tell you the same thing over and over again and you're full of delirium and excuses as to why your viewpoint is better on some pretty toxic situations. 
and then it happens. 
a kind stranger makes a comment and there you have it.
this snowball effect of actions that have been delayed far past their prime are taking flight and making a glorious path. 

and all it took was a stranger.
all it took was someone random pointing out the very obvious truth.

so this path is a week old now.
i find myself entirely less tolerant of bullshit.
yes, some may find my new persona slightly bitchy, but i had a realization today.

it was in a moment of sweat and torment while running after not having run in 8 months.
i looked up into the mirror in front of the treadmill and saw my bouncing fluffball of a ponytail, my pink cheeks, and my tired, so so tired eyes.
i was about to start making some comment about my thighs or my under eye bags when i realized the most horrifying of realizations.

i blame other people for what i project that i deserve.

the only reason i have had shitty people in my life is because i have allowed it.
the only reason i have been so passive and quiet when these assholes treat me poorly is because i believe that i deserve poor treatment.
the only reason others are critical and snarky toward me is because i am critical and snarky toward myself.
seldom are the kind words and encouraging friends because seldom am i that way toward myself.

with eyes focused on how slow the seconds were ticking away against my mental goal of running another 10 minutes, i found myself about to mentally start cutting myself down, reminding myself i became so sloth-like because of my own laziness and blah blah blah when this tiny little voice came out of nowhere.  this little "ahem..." came from the back of my mind and began to speak kindly.... and i finished those last 10 minutes.

the reason this year has gotten so bad is because of me.
it is because i have allowed far too many people to speak unkind words about me or to me.
i have allowed people to treat me like i am cheap and small.
i have allowed circumstances to dictate who i am.
i chronologically began to process my thoughts and actually figured out that around the time i stopped exercising is the time i started letting other areas of my life slide.

and that's just not ok.

last week i wanted to sleep until the new year in hopes it would be different.
now im deciding that i will not let circumstances or people have the power to dictate who i am.
i am making a conscious decision to put myself first regardless of how lonely it may make me.
i'm ending this year on a higher note.
im enrolled in school and on my slow path to being a scientist.
im making positive changes and no longer letting men use me, treat me like im insignificant and irrelevant, or disrespect me with lies and cheap flattery.
im making positive changes and realizing quality of friends trumps quantity and sadly, not many that i know right now are actual friends.

so im grateful for today.
im grateful for the clarity that running gave me and no more excuses.
excuses made me miserable and angry and im leaving that behind me today.

thank you "ahem" moment.