Thursday, January 2, 2014

a stubborn little foot down

maybe it is in fact my age.
maybe 30 has caused me to have even less tolerance for bullshit and drama and being used and lied to and dealing with phony people.
if it is in fact because im 30, well.... thank you 30.

this is the first time in a long time i am finding my voice and my stride and i like it.
dub it bitchy or direct, i don't care.

for the first time in a long time, i enjoy being alone.
for the first time in a long time, i am becoming very selective with who i choose to spend my time time.... MY actual free time where im not at school or at work or taking care of bubs or pickle or my house is rare. 

i finally feel ready to let someone in my life again too.
that is the scariest part since it's been so long since the last one.
i finally am just done with bullshit rollercoaster dating and i want something legit and real .... an honest, down to earth, real friend that has no shame in loving me in spite of imperfections and recognizes their own value and worth regardless of their own. 
i always have these one sided, top heavy little spurts with someone and i end up hurt cos i care too much.
i care too much and am merely small and insignificant to them.
im easily passed over for someone else and i dont want to be that anymore.
i want to matter to someone else without having to remind them i exist.
and that's fair.

im not laying out some bullshit resolutions either.
this year i taped a list of goals on my mirror.
these are "easy goals"
these are goals so necessary to my growth but so elementary.

-go to punk and hardcore shows
-go run 2x a week outside when weather appropriate
-do yoga at least 15 min a day, 3x per week
-take bubs on a mini vacation
-take my OWN mini vacation
-get out of the house and meet new people
-play more music
-focus on feeling mentally healthy and not so much about being fit physically

these are so basic and yet some of them i know will be a problem.... but this year i am putting shame and my own negative processes aside and working on being a whole and complete human with or without anyone else by my side.
i love the fact that in 2 years i have become so strong and independent and have done a pretty damn good job raising bubs.
i love the fact that all of the speak of failure thrown in my direction has been washed away with my exceeding all expectations.

so now, now i want to focus on me as an actual person.
i want to be mentally and emotionally whole and healthy.
i think that's a feasible goal.
also i wanna get a super bloody nose at a punk show.... which is part of my youth that i simply miss.

and maybe that's why i also miss a man friend around.
i miss the days when a "date" was laying around in someone's room, playing music, eating cold chinese food, watching stupid movies, skateboarding at the bank til we got kicked out by the cops, and going to punk shows.... it was friendship with a really amazing twist.  i miss that.  i want that.
being 30 wont stop me from having that.
until the universe dictates my readiness.... this year is about having fun and not sweating the small things.  i think i can manage that..... i hope i can....

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