the truth about being a loner

before social media existed, and every moment of everyone's lives were made public via instagram, twitter, facebook, vine, snapchat, and god only knows what other platforms of internet presence i am missing, i didn't really know i was a loner.  i just.... was quiet.

i liked to stay in and read or watch movies.  i had a few close friends and that was enough.  i wrote.  i listened to music.  i drew horrible pictures that i thought were good.  i made clothes.  i dyed my hair.  i took walks and found beauty in the small stuff like a train ride to visit a friend and the smell of the greek restaurants when i got off the platform.

then aol instant messenger started, msn messenger, yahoo messenger, friendster, myspace, hot or not, facebook, instagram, twitter, snapchat.... it became a numbers game.  it became more about how many likes a photo of yourself could get.  it became about how much you posted of this amazing life you led.  suddenly life was more about how it was perceived by others with just the right filter or capturing just the right group shot than actually living life with intangible memories based on sights and sounds and smells.

recently it clicked that im kind of a loner.
it used to bug me.
i used to feel like a freak.
why arent i a part of these amazing things i read about and see on the interwebs?
what's wrong with me that im home every saturday night watching movies and cleaning my apartment?

last nite it hit me....
i was halfway through season 3 of girls, post vacuum session cleaning up the mountain of cat hair buried in the carpet fibers when i realized.... i like my quiet life.
yes it is nice to see people and go to shows and meet friends for drinks, but....
after a long week of working and attempting this supermom status, sometimes i just want to have a no pants party, watch some season of a tv show, and just be in silence.  the only nuisance is picklecat rubbing her hairy body on my face repeatedly and standing in front of my laptop (like right now.... im typing this coughing on her fur that got somehow snorted up my nose).

i am "ON" so often that it is REALLY nice to be "OFF" for a night. 
so yes, in social media standards, im a loner, possibly a major loser and homebody and nobody....
but ....
i rather like it this way.

since spending time alone, i realized that i was trying to be out so much as a distraction.
a distraction against all of the self hate that was building up inside of me.
i spent time with others because i didnt WANT to spend any time with myself. 
but now...
now i like myself.
i like my quirks and the odd shit that spews out of my mouth and brain.
i like the creativity that comes from my brain and hands in the kitchen.
i like my body again just the way it is.
i like my thoughts and my opinions.
i like my silence.
im more comfortable with others' silence now too.
im learning to listen more when others speak.
im learning to see more clearly and live more freely.

all from being alone.

so in conclusion dear reader, whoever you may or may not be....
the truth about being a loner is that it definitely has its perks.
those perks may not be visible in a self absorbed culture where every moment has to be digitally documented and commented on; where value is placed on quantity and not quality; to be able to see past the numbers game.... the amount of "friends" and "followers" and "likes" and "comments" is just that... a numbers game.  the moments where you're with your best friend shoving nachos in your face, laughing at a dorky moment, being real and open and honest.... the moments no one else can see or know about.... to a loner, those are the memories to take to the grave.  those are the moments worth being alive for.

so while i may not be the subject of anyone else's social media highlights... i like my life.  i like my little moments.  i like my quiet and my solitude.  and for the first time in possibly forever, i like me.