Friday, January 28, 2011

goodbye snuggle time

i had to make the  hard decision to stop nursing next monday in order to get some sanity back.  my nerves are so far beyond on edge lately.  it just keeps getting worse and worse.  it seemed so logical, my wreckless train of thought until i was talking to my doctor about it... then i just sounded completely nuts.  what's worse is that i know my fears and worries are irrational, but it's like i get this thought and think about it and everything spirals out of control.  we have this papertowel holder that hangs under our cupboard.  it is the most faulty piece of trash because when you go to pull one sheet off, the whole thing falls off and unravels on the floor.
THAT, dear reader, is how my mind works.  i go from thinking that audrey is sleeping with a blanket to thinking that audrey is suffocating and going to die in her sleep unless i keep the monitor on really loud and check on her 100x before i go to bed.  or that if i leave the house someone is going to break in while i am not home.  i constantly worry when i drive with her that someone is going to crash into the side of my car and kill her.  yeah i know all new moms worry.  that's an understatement.  what's bad is that sometimes i cant stop this thought process no matter how hard i try.  taking a step back and breathing, doing yoga, meditating, trying to talk myself into rational thinking.... nothing.  this out of control thought process can sometimes last 3 hours....my chest will get tight and i cant breathe....

there is no rhyme or reason to any of this.  lately the worst thing is that i worry about money and then my mind goes into post-apocalyptic thoughts and i REALLY cant calm down.  i worry so much about the safety and well-being of my daughter that i literally have been getting sick.

so, i have to start on some meds monday that are TOTALLY NOT SAFE for bf, so i decided i will start on monday and continue to slowly wean audrey off.  she is pretty much on all formula now since josh has been home watching her while i work extra.  i will miss our morning and evening snuggle time though.

goodbye snuggle time.  hello sanity (i hope).

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