Monday, January 31, 2011

day one

today starts day one of paxil and day one of no more breastfeeding audrey.
it's hard.  she's been even MORE clingy lately since i started cutting down on breastfeeding.
she just wants me to be visible or holding her otherwise she loses it.

on another note.  i am really growing very bored.  i feel like my life needs a major overhaul.  i am contemplating seeing a therapist because i feel like i just need an outside third party to take a peek into my brain and help me sort things out without saying "well think about josh's feelings" or "josh is such a jerk" or "youre doing too much" or "youre a bad person" or "you deserve better"......  that sort of stuff.

im just bored.  every day is the same day and carries on into the weekend.  we never go anywhere or do anything fun.  i want adventures and memories.  i want audrey to look back on her childhood and be like "wow that was effin sweet."  but, we are bound to josh's obsession with jiu jitsu and our lack of funds mean that i have to work A LOT!  i miss hobbies.  i miss my guitar and playing shows.  i miss that feeling of freedom i get from singing or hearing a great song.  i miss the excitement of being alive and trying new things and meeting new people and seeing new places.

i dont want to be a homebody.  i dont want to sit at home, cook, and watch movies.  i used to be ok with that in my drinking days because i was too hung over to go anywhere or WANT to do anything.  but now, i don't think it's fair to subject audrey to staying at home. 

so, day one of paxil and hopefully some time with a therapist.  wish me luck.

1 comment:

  1. I hope you are able to work through those emotions and thoughts swirling around in your head. As women we all need someone to talk to and help us sort out everything. It's so important! I will be praying for you girl. Every mom knows what you are feeling in some way or another!