damned and doomed

i deleted a previous post.  too emo.  too melancholy.  too... wrong.

i am not a psychic.
i can not read minds and see what is going on at all times.
i dont know people like i think i do.
my gut is diseased and leads me to believe things that arent true.
it's in cahoots with my head.
first that stabbing feeling in my gut happens.
then the heart races and it travels ever so quickly to my command center.
from there, the pandoras box of bullshit and garbage just starts escaping like helium balloons being let go of.
just flying away and racing off track and with an ungodly speed.

then i drive somewhere.
then i take a shower.
then do something remotely normal.

then sanity hits.

maybe i don't know the best that life has for me and i am damned and doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over.  maybe heartache and sadness are just meant to be a part of my life.  or maybe they are just meant for that because i cant seem to ignore the things that have led me down the rabbit hole of nonsense before into a downward spiral of ruining every good thing that crosses my path.

until i learn to let go like winter trees and put the past behind me no matter how bad or good the memory is, i will never be able to move on in life.  i will never be able to enjoy ANYTHING.  ill always be afraid of losing or having or reciprocity.

most people hate their heart and say their heart is what leads them into bad situations with people.  mine is my brain.  it never just shuts up, stays quiet, and lets the rest of me just live.  i am going to miss out on some little nuances if i dont just.... let go.  how many people i drive away or intentionally push away just cos of bullshit everyone else has done to me or because of scenarios that look like a repeat of the past.... HOW DO I REALLY KNOW THO???  life is cyclical.  life is very cyclical but that doesnt mean that everything is going to look the same.  it may be patterned similarly but in no way are the events going to transpire similarly.

if im constantly afraid to get hurt and constantly afraid to trust and am constantly afraid to believe that someone wants to be nice and good things can happen to me.... i should just hole myself up in a closet and not come out.  that is NO way to live.  at least not for me.

i may be weird and have quirks.  i may dress in a not so fashionable way.  i may have a really weird and loud laugh.  i may be completely grammatically incorrect.  i may not have the most awesome lifestyle and schedule.  but for fuck's sake... i like me.  id like to think im a rare breed.  i like to put others first and make sure everyone else is happy and feels loved and appreciated before even thinking of myself.  i like to go out of my way to surprise people and let them know i give a shit.  i like to ask people how their day was.  i like to smile and say hello to strangers.  i like to laugh and dance no matter how ridiculous i look or sound.  i like being dorky and nerdy and all variations of those words.  i dont give a shit about being fancy or what's trending.  i just want a happy, humble life surrounded by smiles and love. 

so if im constantly running... thinking i know better and best.... trying to avoid pain and a repeat of lies and cheating and hurt.... im going to have a lonely sad life indeed.  sometimes you have to take a risk.  things may not always turn out ok.  things may end up in failure.  that's ok.  it's another experience.  i dont control life or know what is meant to be when.  no one does.  i have to stop thinking i know what's best and just let life happen.....  however it may.