dictated, not read

i have to stop letting the past define the present.
it's almost as if im in a state of paralyzed psychosis.
it's unappealing and very uncomfortable.
sometimes i question my logic aloud and hear how foolish my thoughts sound.
but it's what i know.
i know not to trust.
i know people are out to get me and hurt me and treat me like a joke and a loser and a game.
i know people have nothing but horrible intentions to use me and throw me away like a cheap happy meal toy.

but this isnt true.
what i know is false.
yes, some people are horrible and evil and bad.
SOME.
some does not apply to all.
some does not equal all.
some IS NOT all.

but this paralyzing dictation.... this internal monologue on repeat as the needle is stuck in a groove....
it ruins me.
it ruins all and any good.
because i believe it.
because i give it validation.
it has no legs to stand on, no proof in the pudding...
but still i cast it in front of my eyes like a veil and see what i know.
i hear and see and live in my "logic" and it is crippling.

then why dont you stop, kelly?
right in this moment i am taking the first step....
telling myself to SHUT UP.
telling the internal crevices of my cerebral cortex to SHUT THE FUCK UP!

yes, ive been hurt.
yes, ive been told i was a bitch, a loser, a joke, fat, a waste of life, a waste of time, off putting, boring, uninteresting, and that i should just kill myself.
(that is not the half of it nor is it a fabrication.... these are real things.)
ive been lied to and cheated on and just treated like crap.

i let that shut me away behind iron bars, steel walls, with brass knuckles ready to go at whomever dares cross the threshold of my metal prison.
and for the first time in a while i feel like opening the gates, letting down the walls, and shedding light in this dark space.
feeling so exposed and vulnerable i take everything for what it is not and make it into what i know it is and should be based on previous experiences.
who does that?
what kind of self involved, sadistic, fuck does those things?

me.

i.


i do.
not because i want to but simply because it is what i know.
this is the first time i am plugging my ears.
avoiding all of my logic in hopes that for once i am so very wrong.
i would love love love to be wrong.
please prove me wrong.