Friday, January 10, 2014

don't turn your head

it's amazing how making a few decisions... tough ones... and altering said decisions to be realistic and not childish and bratty have taken an amazing toll on my mental health.

i hardly care.
the lies and stories are what they are and im content to leave them there unconcerned if they are lies or stories, false or true.
i know you love her.
i know you love her and don't want to tell me.

this eccentric dance men do with me... tiptoeing around my feelings, afraid to admit the obvious truth that is blaring in my face, resounding like a gong that is right next to my left ear....
i tell them of the sound and they tell me i am insane and crazy.
and that is when they take off running.

all i want is to be given the decency of being told the truth.

but anyway, back to NOT caring.
i dont.
i realize i cared so much because i hadn't cared in so long.
and you... you taught me there is life behind the concrete wall guarding my tiny, cold, little heart.
like the grinch, it kind of grew a little.
maybe not to the point where it breaks the measuring device, but big enough....
and that is why i cared so much.
that was the origin of fear in just walking away from you.
whether you or i ever want to realize it, you taught me how to care again.
you taught me that it is ok to let someone in, be hurt, and move on.
you taught me that moving on doesnt always mean goodbye forever.

im excited right now with these new ventures.
im excited to try again and let someone near me and see what happens.
who knows?

all i DO know is that i have to let go when the gong is resounding.
the trumpet is blaring in my face and you tell me to cover my ears to deafen the sound in fear of what you will do to my tiny, broken feelings....
i need to take off running, break the tie that binds and go the next time i hear that sound.
cut the cord so completely.... sever it so unevenly that it can not be retied.
and that's ok.

because the very phrase that keeps resounding.... the very voice and phrase i trust ever so completely right now is this:
i am continuously being freed up for something better.

with every sad goodbye, every heartwrenching declaration of the honest truth, and unreturned phone call.... im being freed up for something better.
with every missed opportunity, case of bad timing, and negative bank account..... im being freed up for something better.

you have to take the bad with the good, the sad with the joyful, and the embarrassment with the shining moments.
life just works like that.
i've had such a downpour of negative events recently that i know... i know some sunny days are ahead and they are warm and beautiful and the smells will be as intoxicating as they highs they give me.
but i have to wait.
and waiting is not a bad thing.
waiting prepares us for the good to come.
waiting makes us grateful and appreciative.
life should be lived no other way.

so maybe im not just rambling to myself instead of fixing my bad hair day before work.
all i can say is wait.
better is coming.
appreciate the storm for now because even if your house blows away or breaks and floods.... you're being freed up for something better.
don't hold tightly to anything or anyone in your life cos so easily it/they can come and go with the breeze.
just be patient.  welcome change.  sometimes it is a wind that blows so cold and so fierce but it's ok.... cos in the end... you may have messy hair and be in an unfamiliar place....but quite possibly it may be the thing to save your life

with that said i have to fix my messy hair.
good day friends.

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