Sunday, January 5, 2014

between a rock and a hard place

sometimes the one person that you need to hear "i care about you" from is yourself.
sometimes those words, those actions that you take to better where you are at mentally and emotionally and hell, even physically, mean more than the most amazing person providing that for you.

and so here i am, heart in hand, staring at the bloody mass of tissue.
and so here i am, making choices that momentarily do not feel good.
but im reminded of the promises that i made to myself for this new year.
im reminded that i swore to a year of taking care of myself, providing for myself the legs to stand on physically and emotionally that will take me to better places.

i started taking my meds again at the recommendation of a friend.
i have to say, 2 days in, i already feel better.
im less anxious and overwhelmed.
im motivated to do good not just in my surroundings, but for myself.

and yet the heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach...
the sinking, stinging feeling in the empty cavity in my chest does not feel all that rewarding.

but these little moments.... these little moments will amount to something much greater in the long run im sure.

growing up is hard.
making life better for oneself to be able to be better for others is hard.
it's hard but so necessary.

so here i go off into the dark unknown hoping that my choices right now will make life better for myself and others in the long run.
i find myself between this rock and hard place all too often and at some point, you gotta get a little bloody and climb up out of the mess and move forward.

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