Saturday, January 18, 2014

i took a break from crying

i dont know what came over me.
maybe it was the copious amounts of insulin racing through my body from the birthday cake i ate or maybe it was the universe aligning something up just right.

some synapse within my brain made a great impact. 
and i began to cry.
i don't think cry is even right...
i sobbed.
i bawled.
i felt the walls building up again.

i thought about how hard it is to trust.
i can't believe a nice thing anyone says without assuming they mean the opposite.
i interpret kindness as sarcasm and cruelty because that's in my instinct.
i dont know how to believe someone, let someone near me in that way.

i realized you were the last one.
you were the last one i let in and let that close and you hurt me the worst.
the worst.
and i'm not over that feeling.
im over you.
just not over how awful you made me feel.
you fucked me up for everyone else.
im afraid to believe anyone because of you.

so i took a break from the crying to write this down and someday soon look back on this with a whole heart and feel stupid for this post.
im just scared ill be like a princess trapped behind these walls that just will not crumble and doors that won't budge. 
now back to my regularly scheduled nonsense....
letting go....

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