Monday, March 12, 2012

waves of uncertainty

i am in the weirdest place in my life that i think ive ever been.
some things are stellar, some things are awful, and some things are just..........good.
i have always been one who needs to know what's going on... i'm a planner.  i like knowing what is going to happen before it happens so i can brace myself for what is to come.  unfortunately, life does not work like that and it has my gut in a knot once again.  this time in a good way.  at least i think it's good? 
i hate being a girl.  i really do hate it.  i hate being vulnerable and open and exposed.  i hate not knowing and these immense feelings of inadequacy and confusion.  i wish i could be more trusting, but having been burned many times over, it's not very easy any more.  i would really just like to let things happen one day at a time, but i'm a worrier by nature.  i'm used to being ditched and used.  it's hard when you care about someone to trust their words when so many you've cared about before have stabbed you in the back with similar statements.  it's hard just to let things go and happen as they may.  i think i just need to keep remembering that i don't control the universe and the fate of my future is not necessarily "in my hands" as many movie slogans and sayings would like to make me believe.  i'm responsible for making good choices and my reaction to what happens in life.  i cant control other peoples' thoughts and feelings, nor can i change the course of where our lives take us.  im really lucky right now the way my life has been going.  my course has been steered in some amazing places and instead of panicking about what's next, i really wish i could enjoy the ride of what is and not push people away or try to pull people too close. 
for now, im working on being happy on my own, standing on my own two feet, knowing myself and liking myself, and maybe, just maybe learning to trust again.  i dont know why, like with weight loss, i expect dramatic and immediate results.  it is so so foolish of me to think that way.  instead of jumping headfirst into brick walls, how bout i just walk around....?

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