Tuesday, January 1, 2013

and so i read a book

the last time i think i was ever so deeply emersed in a book was "things the grandchildren should know" by E of EELS aka Mark Oliver Everett.  i liked the way it was relatable and made me think.
and that's what "perks of being a wallflower" did for me.  my little sister had quoted it in a facebook status once and it just hit me that it would be a book id like.  and it was.  i sat reading it while audrey was napping.  i got so into it that i didn't really notice as the daylight was fading and the room was becoming darker.  things were clicking and sinking in and i got more familiar with charlie and his story.  i understood, and for the first time in a while, felt like i was understood.  i was squinting through the grayness of having pretty much no light to read by until page 213 was complete, down to the last sentence and period. then as i closed the book i realized it was 330, audrey was still asleep, and it was getting darker in my house.

anyway, there were so many spots in the book that i found so quotable and so i thought i would share those few and .... do my usual rambling....

"...because things change. and friends leave. and life doesnt stop for anybody." 
 so yeah.... this was the story of 2012 for me.  and the end part of this quote, that life doesn't stop for anybody, was the most eye opening part.  life is a constant revolution and change.  people will come and go.  life doesnt stop for anybody ... ever... and the loudest part screaming in my ears is that we are all involved in this.  just cos people are coming and going in my life and things are changing in my life, it isnt to say that the same pattern isnt going on in that someone else's life that is coming or going from my own.  it kind of opened my mind to the concept that we are all intertwined and related and that each cause has an effect.

"it's much easier not to know things sometimes. and to have french fries with your mom be enough." 
i love this quote not because i like my mom at all in any way, but because of the simplicity of this statement.  as a child we are so unintentionally ignorant to things.  we just know what we're told and what we've experienced and the simple things are the greatest trophies.  sometimes i wish i could go back to those childlike days where life wasn't bills and responsibilities and mortgages and work.  life was being told to go play and rewards didn't come in the form of a bonus check but came as a cookie or a trip to mcdonalds or something.  sometimes i think it would be better to live in that mindset.... it has its perks.

"i think the idea is that every person has to live for his or her own life and then make the choice to share it with other people." 
we can't as much as we want to, live for others.  it just doesn't make any sense.  you can't help others by living FOR them.  there was a story charlie was going back to where the premise was that you can choose to die for someone but you can't live for them.  you cant make choices and decisions for people.  you have to live for you and choose to share yourself and your experiences and your life with others.  what good are you to others any way if youre just living for THEM?  sure it sounds selfish but there has to be an element of selfishness in a person in order to better those around you.  if youre not constantly learning and growing and bettering yourself, youre no good to anyone anyway.  it's like a doctor that dropped out of med school cos he so badly just wanted to help people and not be selfish hiding away studying.  how can he help anyone without any knowledge?  without knowing you have no direction.

"i guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. and maybe we'll never know most of them. but even if we dont have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. we can still do things. and we can try to feel okay about them. ..... and even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesnt really change the fact that you have what you have. good and bad. ... maybe it's good to put things in perspective, but sometimes, i think that the only perspective is to really be there. .... because it's okay to feel things. and be who you are about them."
this was a bunch of quotes in a few paragraphs lumped together.  but this part/these parts really struck me and hit close to home.  i always like to revisit and blame and use the past.  it is my crutch and cushion.  but the reality is, we all have a fucked up past.  EVERYONE.  im not special cos my life wasn't cookie cutter and squeaky clean and i have some stories that would make many grown men cry.  that's not the point.  the point is regardless of "who has it worse" ... it is what it is.  i always hated when people would tell me that but it is the god's honest truth.  it really just is what it is.  my life is.  it is good sometimes and it is bad sometimes.  and it's ok if some nites i want to break down and cry.  it's ok if sometimes i get mad and yell behind a closed bathroom door while im pretending to poop so i dont scare my kid.  the reality is, those are my feelings.  my past and my feelings and my current experiences... they are a part of my life and a part of my story and a part of me.   it doesnt have to control me and dictate who i am in this very moment.  i cant help what DID happen and the family i grew up in, but i can choose what path i take now and where my life is headed....
and that is that.

"I was very grateful to have heard it again. Because I guess we all forget sometimes. And I think everyone is special in their own way. I really do." 
this part of the story is when charlie's teacher is telling him how special he is.  and charlie doesnt know really what to say or how to feel.  i was thinking about the times i've found notes in my box at work from my coworkers or my boss telling me that they appreciate me or a certain way i interact with a resident is encouraging to them or makes them happy.  those times make me smile from ear to ear and with all of my insides.  because when someone does take the time to tell me im special or important or appreciated or even a male genuinely meaning the words "you're pretty".... i am grateful.  i don't hear those things very often.  and i do forget.  i think because im not like everyone else- im quirky and odd and weird and dorky- that i forget.  i figure the only special ones are the "normal" ones but the funny truth is that, the more you get to know the "normals," they are usually as odd as or even MORE ODD than yourself.  so normal, quirky, nerdy, whatever.... we've all got something that makes us special and valuable.

this last part is a very long bit of conversation between sam and charlie.  this is probably the one point in the book when i felt like i could relate to sam.  i felt like someone dug in the girl portion of my heart and took out all of my words:
"it's just that i dont want to be somebody's crush.  if somebody likes me, i want them to like the real me, not what they think i am.  and i dont want them to carry it around inside.  i want them to show me, so i can feel it too.  i want them to be able to do whatever they want around me.  and if they do something i dont like, i'll tell them.  ... you know i blamed craig for not letting me do things?  you know how stupid i feel about that now?  maybe he didnt really encourage me to do things, but he didnt prevent me from doing them either.  but after a while, i didnt do things because i didnt want him to think different about me.  but the thing is, i wasnt being honest.  so why would i care whether or not he loved me when he didnt really even know me?  so, tomorrow, im leaving.  and im not going to let that happen again with anyone else.  im going to do what i want to do.  im going to be who i really am.  and im going to figure out what that is."
this pretty much sums up my present, my want for the future, and my past with J.  i can easily sit and blame, but the reality is, i lived a 4 year lie.  and maybe the reason things havent been going too well in that department isn't just because i find myself surrounded by not the greatest caliber of male persons, but simply because i am quite honest.  i don't think many people really have a grasp on who they are and the ones that do usually are faking it the best.  hell, i still fake it sometimes.  i know in part who i really am and i think more often than i care to admit, i'm still trying to figure out who/what that really is.  i dont think many people know how to handle such directness and honesty.  hell, i don't think i do either.  but isnt that the beauty of life... to keep learning?  

so, sorry for the lengthy post mixed with book review.  i know it is some "coming of age" trendy story that i am referencing mixed with my usual BS, but... it helped me realize that i am not as alone as i think in how i feel and process.  and that someone out there is on the same page..... somewhere.  moral of the story, im not as lost or alone as i think i am.

and it also got me thinking even more.... and... i don't see that as a bad thing.

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