Thursday, January 31, 2013

SHIT for a therapist

im starting to realize i need a thesaurus because this is my go to word for everything lately.

on that note, just be prepared to read a lot of that word in this long string of rambling thoughts.

maybe its dehydration and delirium.  maybe it is the very fast moving course of events that have been going on lately or maybe it is the fact that i constantly throw myself head first into everything, that i am overwhelmed with thoughts beyond the speed my fingers can type.

so here goes.
here begins the mindless ramble which is probably where most would tell me to go get a new psychiatrist or something to which i reply, "why are you still reading?"

i dont know what the fuck i want.
some days i want someone to give a shit about me.  i want someone to be dorky and sweet on me and just give a real god damn about my existence and my life and just let me know i matter.
other days i just want to be left alone.  i dont want to be bothered or needed or wanted or anything.
then there are the days i just want friends.  i want the friends that are real people that give a shit and arent FULL of shit.  the ones that will be there regardless and know that im there too.  the ones that dont ditch you or forget youre alive until no one else is responding to their last minute "let's go out" texts. 

i seem to be in this heavy imbalance.
i want a giant RESET button on my life to take the chances i didnt and not waste the opportunities i had for a person or out of fear or because of my own self defeating thoughts.

SHIT.

some days i can look at my current state and only see that.
other days i love my little shit puddle .... like when cars leak whatever fluid and there's like a little rainbow in the puddle.... that's my life... a little shit puddle rainbow. 

i cant complain entirely.  there's good.  and mostly the good i have is bubs.  i have determination now too to do better FOR bubs.  i have drive and stupidity (in a good way) that i didnt have years ago.  fineeeeee ill take that good.

but overall, i just want shit to make sense.  i want to wake up and know what i want and have shit figured out.  im the type of person that thrives off manuals and instructions.  i need life to have a big fucking "THIS IS HOW IT WORKS" booklet to just let me know what buttons to push to make things happen and where to go to have shit figured out....not like a mindless drone.... just like... my own personal instruction manual.... the operating functions that make my life how it's supposed to be.... maybe im tired of learning or maybe im just tired.... of having to think and wonder and know....and wonder if i knew right?

i guess without admitting it, that's all most of us really want anyway.... for shit to make sense.

i envy the people ive met lately.  i envy that they can just do what they want and come and go as they please.  i envy them for getting to live out what they see for themselves and i ... i have bubs..... and cos of my baby bubs i have to make "responsible" choices.  i feel alone in those choices.  those moments suck the hardest.  i feel like im fighting this losing battle that seems to keep on going for someone else's amusement and entertainment.  when im already weak-kneed i keep getting told i have to get up and fight more.  some days i just dont want to.

so shit....
im trying so hard to remedy all my past mistakes at once i think the compass needle is spinning too fast and too furious (uh oh terrible movie reference now .... please dont stop reading).....

and i dont know why the fuck im typing all these rambling thoughts out for said internet world to potentially read and think "damn this chick is fucked up."

i dont know.
maybe i think somewhere out there in old interweb land that someone else gets this struggle and feels the same shit i do.  that maybe someone i view as having things together and having things "perfect" and getting to live out their ideals can clue me in that shit isnt what i think.... that they have their confused moments too...

maybe we're all just a little lost....
it's so easy to just see such a narrow scope tho.

maybe it's best to say i am completely overwhelmed. 
i want to do and be so much for so many people and then .... i guess for myself too.

i think i want more for me than these two hands can carry.
and i dont have anyone around to help lessen the load.
and some days i wonder if im too stubborn and thick headed to ever let anyone close enough to help me anyway.
im the jackass that if im on crutches, id still try to open the door by myself instead of letting anyone help me.... fucked up i know but its just how i am....

so yeah.... shit.
that's some shit.
i wonder what a therapist would say to all of this....

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