ever since i can remember, ive been on a pretty rigid schedule.
school, soccer, church group, work, homework...
and for this, i can admit it out loud, and not so very proud....
im a control freak!!!
i don't know what to do about it.
because now, i am figuring things out, meeting new people, finding new things i like to do... and my life feels more completely out of control than it ever has yet it is full of such good things.
i feel like im pulled in over a thousand directions, none of which are going to an actual destination at this point...
i graduate in sept. so yes, school should be a major priority but with only 2 quarters really left, im getting a case of "senioritis" or whatever you want to call it and i am losing focus. i hate that.
i want to make music and have something on the cusp of forming yet im not sure where in my already full schedule, im going to have time for all of that. but it's something i want so bad. i am so so envious when i see people performing or i listen to a new album someone's made. half the shit i hear on the radio isn't even good and yet i hide myself like im some bastard child with 17 chins and 7 extra limbs. i act as if im some disgrace that should go unnoticed when .... im not. and i shouldnt.
i wanna train muay thai. i need to get my ass going and get healthy. that is a major priority for me this year. all i've found since january 1st is that i am more accident prone than i have ever known and that i am not all making the decisions that i intended to or should.
which brings me to my next dilemma, finding time to hang out with people. my goal every year is to make new friends and meet new people and when i do, most often i actually want to hang out with them and now i find myself stuck for time with the shittiest of all schedules and barely a spare moment to shower or shit than even be around another human remotely my age.
i feel like im trying to do and be too much all at once. and this, this is how my clumsy ass fell down the stairs the other day and ended me up in urgent care for the afternoon. i am a pile of " to do lists" and swept up broken dreams im still fighting to see a reality.
and no, im not quitting. i think i spent the first year away from J figuring myself out again- finding my identity that i so quickly let go of to "belong" to someone. it took a year of broken hearted nonsense and aimless wandering to find my place. i finally feel like i get myself, my perspective, my point of view, my beliefs, my values, and my goals. i feel like i have a direction to go in- just too many directions i want to go in right now!
the problem here is that i flood myself with so many wants and desires all at once that my life is kind of like the current state of my room- open drawers and closet doors with hangers and clothes and dryer sheets all over the place. there is no order.... just pure chaos. there's no sense, just pure confusion. and i really hope to get my mess sorted, to organize things and give everything its proper time and place.
but maybe the real lesson is that i need to let go, to relinquish control of my affairs and wants to whatever is controlling this spinning orb and universe. maybe i do just need to let the wind blow me in whatever direction it chooses and not have a set order in which my day is supposed to go. maybe i need to remember that every day im alive is another gift to get shit done, be a good human, and enjoy whatever comes my way. so yeah, maybe some days i am lazily baking in my kitchen. maybe other days i am sledding with bubs. maybe sometimes im out with people drinking and dancing my white ass off. maybe sometimes i am helping a friend thru a shit time. regardless of what my day turns into... im not in control of it. im not in control of any of this.
all i can do is take each minute as it comes and enjoy it and let things happen as they may. so, let's see what's next....