Thursday, January 10, 2013

rain in january

it's weird.

i figure, it's minnesota and it should snow, not rain, in the winter month of january. 

another reminder that life does not always follow the course that i see fit.  another reminder that life will do what it does.  so, today, it rained in january.

i had the most OFF of days today.  my mind is pretty overwhelmed.  i made some really poor choices the past few years and now physically, emotionally, and unfortunately very much financially, i am severely paying for it.  and im overwhelmed and freaked out beyond belief and annoyed and frustrated. 

i try to think that right now is just temporary.  that right now is just a plateau or a valley that im in...a dark, eerie, wide open valley.  no where to hide.... i just have to run....

and i have to run at a pace that is too fast for my feet.  and my asthmatic lungs can't keep up with my speed. 

and then i collapse.

i'm very very tired.  im very very burned out.  im very very alone.
at least it feels that way sometimes.... lately, most of the time.

this is not the course that i would have picked for myself.
this is the rain in january.

im trying to see the outcome and stay positive.  i started off feeling so hopeful and so elated a few weeks ago and now, reality is striking and i just want to ignore everything and hope it sorts itself out. 

it's like treading water.  you can't do it forever.  eventually the water creeps up higher and higher.  your arms and legs begin to give out on you.  your lungs cant support you.  and slowly, you sink.

im almost at the point where i feel as if just my mouth is at the surface grabbing any breath possible, holding on for dear life.  im waiting for someone to just come fish me out of the water and save me from the mess i made for myself. 

and for bubs.  my sweet, sweet bubs.... i just want her to have the most perfect life and.... i feel like i can see the finish line and she's waiting there so proud, but ... ugh i just want to quit sometimes.  i just want to give way to the fatigue and frustrations. 

right now i feel like the biggest fuck up and the worst parent of all time for how i set us both up for failure.  i tried to do too much for everyone else and was acting pretty damn selfishly and now.... im sadly paying for it and my pockets are empty.

i dont usually hate but i LOATHE my ex.  J has it so easy right now.  so very easy.  he's in the boat with a motor.  he doesnt have to row.  and my boat sank and im just trying to hang on and save my life.

i don't mean to sound so dismal and down.  it's just been a very off day.

today it rained in january.
today reality hit me with a hard left hook.
my vision is blurry..........
but im not out i suppose.....
i guess im trying to just stay on my feet and stay in the fight.
for me.
for bubs.
for us.
for tomorrow.

so let's see tomorrow what you have in store for me.

i guess the thing i like most about myself (and kind of hate sometimes too haha) is that i will not back down.  even when the odds are stacked against me and im in way over my head, i dont quit.  i cant.  i simply will not.  i like that both my grandmas have/had the same personality.  (only one is still around, the other passed away.)  they are stubborn and willful and thankfully i have that same tenacity. 

so yes, tomorrow, let's see what you have left.  im certainly down but very much not counting myself out.  i love being the underdog.  i love proving everyone wrong. 

so fuck you logic.  fuck you reality.  fuck you to all the nonsensical facts in my face telling me i cant and im going to fail and im going under.  FUCK YOU.  a big hearty middle finger to you indeed. 

yes, im tired and burned out and in way over my head.... but im still here.  my gloves are up.  let's go.

1 comment:

  1. You aren't alone and won't fail. Keep your head up.