Sunday, June 16, 2013

embracing all of the inner crazy

i cant stop processing.
i feel like im betraying my inner crazy by letting thoughts flow with racing speed from my brain to my fingertips to this crusty keyboard and onto the blank document in front of me attached to a bunch of codes and a link all signifying that none of this is personal.
all of the thoughts in my head... the scary, the good, the bad, the mean, the friendly, the positive, the angry..... all of the thoughts.... they're not my own anymore.

why share this kelly?
ATTENTION SEEKING WHORE.

that's what you wanted to see right?
you want me to own up to what you think.
im not that.
i know im not that.

i like stories... i like hearing others stories and often times get so excited i forget to shut up and let them finish.
i like knowing im not alone.
for most of my life ive been made to feel ostracized or inhuman due to some ways in which i process feelings or the feelings that i am attempting to process.

there is no harm in feeling or seeing or learning or processing.
there is no harm in wanting to understand and move forward.

but it goes against all i know.
it goes against the safety mechanism that tells me to keep it all trapped inside, to put on the facade and happy face that says im fine but while the curtrain is drawn, i drop all of the juggling pins and am an epic failure.  who wants to pay good money to see that?

the reason i have friends and have lost friends is simply because i have no shame.
i have no shame in the crazy up and down emotional frenzy that is my life.
do i like it all the time?  no.
is it just the way things are right now?  yes.

so love me or hate me, take me or leave me.
i like this crazy mess of a person i am.
it helps me empathize with others around me and accept the people that get looked over because they may not "look right" or "fit in" which i always found to be bullshit labeling excuses for someone else's ignorance.

you dont know unless you take a peek inside.
thankfully im like a peeping tom of souls or something.
well that may also be a blessing and a curse but still...

embrace the inner crazy.
at least that's what i plan to do today.

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