Monday, June 10, 2013

the harmonious villain

so apparently i am all of the bad guy.
that deceitful and devious, malicious, malevolant stranger that comes in like a theif wreaking havoc on the city with selfish intentions.  sinister and vicious.  cruel and spiteful...

ok, obviously that chunk of adjectives was full of sarcasm.
im just really at the point where i am sick of technology.
im sick of this ability to tear someone down verbally through text like a freakin coward.  if you have such hateful words to use, why not actually open your mouth and say them directly to me? 
probably due to intimidation and fear that i will punch you right in the mouth i am presuming.
honestly at this point i am very sure that if this person speaks to me i will punch them in the god damn mouth as hard as possible. 

J is becoming more difficult.
he has wanted me to fail since i uttered the words "i cant do this anymore.  i need to be on my own."  for over 4 years he had the control.  i was afraid and voiceless.  i couldn't stand up for myself because our life was so much about what other people would think.  it was about upholding some bullshit image of perfection and happiness.  reality was this momma working 35 hours a week, takign care of infant bubs, doing laundry and cleaning and cooking and shopping and bills and budgeting while captain of the ship had to maybe mow and take out trash, go to work, and spend his evenings and weekends at the gym training or teaching or playing video games til all hours of the night.  that was life.  it wasn't fair and it wasn't right.  so i stood up for myself.

yes i know "life isn't fair."  cliche and oh how true. 
and right now, i am doign all of the things on my own.  granted i work less hours and have more bubs time, but it's still the same.  im a total mess for sure, but im not taking care of a grown adult.  just myself and bubs.... ok that's a like, mostly it's just bubs and when i REMEMBER i get taken care of too.

but anyway back to my rant about how awful i am of a person.
J has wanted to see me fail and i havent.
a 4.0 for over a year of my time at school with a hectic and pretty lonely schedule and im done in a few months.  im not stifled by someone who has no ambition or drive to be better.  im on my own, free to be myself and explore and be FREE in general.  but that requires some help.  i mean, shit, i cant do EVERYTHING on my own and without trying to sound like a total C word, bubs isnt just MY kid....

but no.  i ask for flexibility and a break from the exhaustion but i get cursed at and talked down to and degraded... all via text.  in person, the man will grunt a few words at me letting me know how bubs is doing, but via text.... that man can find a whole thesaurus full of delightfully choice ways to call me a bitch, lazy, a liar, a horrible person, deceitful, greedy.... i mean you name it, ive been called it.  i used to fight back.  word for word i would fight until my thumbs were sore.  there's no poitn to that..

today i calmly explained the reality of the situation after being bombarded with such fragrant phrases from him.... and then he stopped until he could find a nastier comeback.

i am oh so very very tired of this.  i mean, a lot of you that i've recently met... you wonder why i am the way i am.... you wonder why i question my value, my appearance, my worth, if you like me for real or not as a person, if im boring or insane.... THIS IS WHY.  for 4 years i was lied to and talked down to and lately it's just become bullying.  there are days where i start out calm, relaxed, and very self assured.  then this happens.  it's so frustrating to find myself making progress only to be knocked backward by  a giant bully.  it sucks.  i try so hard to not let his nonsense effect me, but his lack of help just burns me out more and this absolute NEED to control me is just... no, it's enough and not right.

so you see friends, im writing this to vent about J, yes, but also to poke a little bit of nonsensical insight into my fucked up mental world.  i mean shit, i try to be his friend.... we have a bubs who needs parents that can put her first and understand personal intentions and feelings for the other do not have any place or relevance anymore.... but i dont have that.  trying to be a grown up and reason with a child is next to impossible and severely frustrating.

i hope you all can understand, you being whoever the fuck finds any sort of value in my rambling string of thoughts called a blog.  im hoping one day to have enough armor on to bear the blow of his words that try to tear me down, knock me over, and ruin me.  im getting there.  today i suffered less of a defeat.  today i took a step forward.  no there was no resolution to the issue at hand, but i dont feel like a piece of shit for a human.  because im not.

everyone, be kind.  choose your words wisely and dont hide behind a text message to speak the "truth" to someone.  it's cowardly and absolutely just bullshit. 

everyone has a story and a past and realistically all people just want some form of love and acceptance.  you're not better than anyone else.  you too have a story and want these same things.  extend to others what you desire the most. 

the end of my rambles.

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