Saturday, June 15, 2013

all it needed was a little love

the tree in a charlie brown christmas. 
that stringy, branchy mess of shedding needles.
everyone picked on the dude for pickin the reject.
but maybe he saw something in that little tree.
maybe he saw himself.
maybe he picked that one because of his own inner self just wanting to belong and be accepted and have a family and a place to call home.
maybe he picked it because deep down, he wanted to save himself and show the people he was surrounded by that you shouldn't judge something for being small and pretty insignificant and homely. 
maybe all charlie brown was trying to do was show potential in the runt and the underdog.

at the end... linus is like "hey guys, this thing's not so bad.  it just needs love."
and they all decorate it and see its beauty.

im in plant mode cos normally i KILL plants. 
not intentionally, i just have the blackest of green thumbs.
but bubs and i planted all of these seeds.
i just remember being super grumpy and her being grumpy, but we sat on the deck and filled up these lil pots with some soil and planted these seeds.  she was so proud and excited to help. 
every day for the past week she's been asking to see if they've grown and mama dismal over here tried to remind her how LONG it takes for plants to grow.  this morning i got home from work, couldn't sleep, and on my many trips to the kitchen to stuff food in my face, i noticed that the thing kept growing at a rapid speed.  by the time i left at 930  for work, one plant was seriously like nearly sprouting little flowers....

i realized what love can do.
a little love and a little hope.
it can really cause a tiny sprout to flourish and grow at a speed not so human.
i cant WAIT to show a bubs on monday!!!
i cant wait to show her what her love and hope have done for these tiny little seeds.

and how i need to apply this to my own life.
the last time i was at yoga, before leaving, we had to focus and focus on acceptance and compassion for ourselves first and then others. 
hearing that makes me tear up.
i realize what a dick i am to myself.
for 15 years i have been beating myself up about my body, assuming every time i put food in my mouth i am next to satan as far as evil goes.  for 15 years i have measured my worth and value in this world and in others' lives by the size of my pants and the number staring at me on the scale.   i have beaten myself up about my productivity, about my appearance or personality.  i never am quite ENOUGH. 
i cant be the person i know im to be and help others the way i want to if i am a fragmented spectacle of a person. 

i feel trapped.
i feel enclosed in these sickening thoughts.
these horribly poisonous thoughts that envelop all sense of logic and sound reasoning.
and then there are people i meet that there is just something about them....
this familiar feeling.
this feeling that we are one in the same.
and then i hear their story.
and then i realize there is freedom from this.
there is a side opposite of where i am at that is waiting for me.

so why the paralysis kid?
why the fear of movement?
maybe these few people that have come into my life and stuck recently are the linus-es.  maybe all i need is a little love to become what im meant to be.... from this reject pile of shedding sticks to a full, bright little display.
i mean what can i really bring to others in this broken state im currently in.

tomorrow's a new day.
a day i full intend to embrace with change and life.
today was a bad one but tomorrow's a new one.
that's hope enough for something better, right?

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