so on my way home from therapy i nearly got in a few car accidents because i was admiring the sky.
the low hanging storm clouds were dark blue and gray blue and all sorts of light and dark grays. even tho they were there, there were breaks in the darkness with patches of bright blue sky with hints of yellowish sunlight and illuminating white clouds. as i drove down 694 and got closer to my exit, it was as if i were driving right into the storm clouds. pulling onto my street, there was light to my left and darkness ahead of me.
what a horribly beautiful metaphor for the way life is and has been. i stress and get anxious about the ebb and flow of life. these storm clouds that are naturally just a part of existance and are necessary to water the earth and take care of the plants and animals. they need to be there so that the bright and sunny days don't scorch the soil and dry everything up. i try so hard to avoid these dark times and to think around them and past them and when they hit, instead of admiring the beauty of a storm, i lock myself away, hiding as if it were some epic disaster hell-bent on ruining me for good. i assume these things are there to take me out, when all the while they are there to help me appreciate those amazingly good days.
in therapy i am doing a lot of biofeedback. it's cheesy this game i have to play but it's really interesting. it's responsive based on my breathing. today was really difficult. there was this one part where im like in some buddhist temple and the monk is like "hey use these arrows to shoot the target and if youre all worked up, it's gonna hit the sky or the ground, but if youre calm and centered, you'll hit the target." somehow i managed to calm down and hit the target but boy did it take forever. when i was trying to calm down to be able to let the arrow go, i started to wonder.... "what if i just let it all go? how bad would it be if i were to just LET GO of everything... EVERYTHING i hold onto and try to find some control in?"
the part that kinda got me a little choked up was when i had to help these balloons float with my breathing. too high or too low and they'd pop. the monk's voice comes through talking about the peaks and valleys and how WE NEED THE VALLEYS TO GET US TO THE NEXT PEAK! i stifled back a few tears but god damn. how really real. same thing with the clouds driving home.
i strive so much to control things outside of my control, to avoid the necessary bumps and bruises and storms and valleys. a wise friend reminds me all the time to go with the breeze. i feel like it's the same thing with these breathing/relaxation exercises im learning in therapy... i get it for a second and when i see that i get it and that im letting go, i panic. i panic and stop breathing and my O2 levels decrease and my heart rate speeds up and the balloons fall and pop and the fire goes out and the arrow hits the dirt.
the walk out to my car was a mental conversation reminding myself i have 2 hands, not 8. i can only balance so much. i cant take on everything and try to keep everything in check and under control because i am not superhuman and life does not work that way. i cant avoid storms and dark days. i cant avoid valleys and hard times. they are there. they will always be there to help me appreciate the days that are light and free and the days where everything seems right with the world. what i do need to do is to let go. to let all the pins im juggling fall and let them land where they may and to stop and see that the world keeps turning and life keeps moving and i WILL BE OK REGARDLESS.
i dont want to end up in the ER again for breathing issues and heart problems. i dont want to live with this weight on my shoulders, shriveling me up into a ball of tap dancing tension.
so now that i know... let's see what tomorrow holds.