Saturday, June 22, 2013

the most beautiful confusion i have ever known

all of the girly thoughts and feelings.
and i suppress most of them.
i have this facade that i am invincible.
this front that i am cold and stubbornly calloused and independent.
this lie that i am above the one basic human want many of us, out of fear, run from.

i can't run anymore.
i can't lie anymore.
i am really awful at pretending.

the truth is eating at my insides.
this thing with the dragonflies.... this self realization....
self, youre a god damn dirty little liar.

it's nothing major at all.
it's no horrendous secret.
in fact, im sure it's rather obvious.

yet i have played this obliviously ditzy fool.
i have played ignorant at best and it has been my worst performance to date.

i said so much leaning me in one direction so as to not appear weak.
in and out of these words and actions said and shown to me, i wasn't sure what to think.
i heard myself blurting out words with no feeling attached but a fake puffed chest kind of gusto that had no real heart behind it.

if i told the truth id be holding jagged fragments of my little heart.
at least that's what id assumed for so long.
now i am at the place if i dont tell the truth, my insides will erupt and i will not be allowed to awaken any further.

the reason i stress how UNimportant this is is merely because it only matters to me really.
i need to come clean to myself.

the reality is, my heart is pulled in this one direction.
ive tried to steer it down alternate avenues and it goes but always comes running back at faster speeds than the first time.

this one direction is an enigma however.
so many twists and turns.
so many one way's when i need to go left.
but it is the most beautiful confusion i have ever known.

ive been half honest.
the only part i havent been completely honest about is just admitting that...
i dont want any other directions.  and although this one direction usually has a lot of road work and it's closed or congested because only one lane is open... it's the only road i want to venture down.  it looks adventurous and is alluring.

so, enigmatic road, there's that but the wonder coursing through my tiny brain is the obvious....
what if you dont want my junky car on your road?  what if you do not have roads that are built for the kind of adventure and dorky displays that are simply all i want?

this is why coming clean to yourself is so scary cos it never just involves YOU.

but i have to.
for whatever reason and regardless if this ends me up in a car crash and i total my vehicle and the road is closed and shut down forever and paved over with sharp glass poking through to unsuspecting tires that don't know the patterns in which to swerve out of harm's way.... i guess i will just have to take the chance and see.

i dont want to speed.
i dont want to race to the figurative finish line.
i dont even want to set cruise control and coast at a quick pace.
i want to enjoy the scenery at the pace im currently at.
i just want this road to not have any other cars on it...
i just want this road to not be a dead end.

regardless of what i want tho... what i really need is to just come clean with things in my own head and heart to be able to move and grow and see a little bit better in this apparent dark.

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