Thursday, July 21, 2011

the fork in the road is a roadblock

i'm nearly at my wits end.  every day another accusation.  every day another feeling of lowliness and like i am constantly in the wrong.  i wonder what it's like to do something right aside from my pedestrian masterpieces in the kitchen.  i wonder what it's like to have a healthy balance of understanding and trust.  that certainly is not the case for me.  every day i am accused and stared at like i bear a scarlet letter.  it's enough to do one's own head in. 
i carry a lot of weight.  so much so that my body is starting to suffer.  i will admit i am at fault on a certain spectrum.  i will admit i'm not the most affectionate and patient person around.  i will admit that.  i wont, however, carry guilt and blame for things i have not done.
i feel incredibly dead inside.  the only spark of life i get is from a 16 month old little wonder that greets me with morning snuggles and big smiles.  aside from her, i feel an aching void where i once had a spark and a steady sound.  it's cold to live in an echoing, soundless cavern.  i miss the sounds of noise and music.  i miss the squeals of laughter.  i miss those things.  it's a rare thing to hear them anymore.
i find my patience is at an all time low, the bags under my eyes have their own bags, my stomach is constantly churning itself into a knotted knot, and my house is no longer a place i want to call "home." 
i wish there were only a quick fix.  a flick of a switch, a push of a few buttons, some magic words, and "PRESTO!"  instant sanity!  unfortunately reality is not that amazing. 
i had this amazing goal to stay positive in my 28th year.  it is proving to be harder and harder as each day progresses and my situations are at a stand still.  i am trying to be patient and know that there is a light at the end of this long and ever winding tunnel, but it's hard when your flashlight's run out of batteries and you're surrounded by darkness on every side.

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