optimism paid off

i made it a birthday goal to make 28 a year of thinking positively, of making better and healthier mental and physical changes in my life, and so far, it's been rough.  i wanted to get on here and just type long stories of how i have conquered the demons in my brain pushing me to think such negative and sad things.  i want to say that my life is unfolding in the most positive light and everything is coming up sunshine and daffodils.  but no.  dear reader, no.

things have been much harder than i anticipated.  things started off much more heavy than i would have liked.  but that's life i suppose.  things are not always going to be smiley faces and shiny stars or go the exact way i want or have planned.  unfortunately life is like a carousel full of creepy horses, scary music, and constant up and downs being controlled by a short fat carnie that wont stop the damn ride. 

i have been making a more conscious effort to think positively.  i can sometimes have a really shit attitude.  i think the universe is against me.  i think people hate me.  i think no one wants to be around me and everything is going to go horribly wrong.  i have this like apocalyptic mindset where i'm trying to prepare for the worst, for every natural disaster before it's even happened.  i try to brace myself for the fall that just may be coming.

it is SO stressful to live like that!  good grief!  all my efforts are spent stressing myself out about things that haven't yet happened and might not.  i never just enjoy the moment and embrace what is.  and i miss out on a lot.  i miss out on SO much.

well, today, i didnt.  i went to work tired, cranky, and with the weight of my own personal world on my shoulders.  i went with not the best attitude at all to deal with 6 residents that need a lot of attention and one on one care.  i walked through the door with a headache, tired, and really not having the urge to be there.  and then, i dug in deep, and had a pretty fun night.  i let the weight of the outside world come off, let my guard down, and actually.... had fun!  i laughed, i watched "The Music Man" with a resident, ate a cookie, and ... i laughed.  i enjoyed the company of my coworkers.  i enjoyed the company of my residents.  and i noticed, one particular resident i was paired with was a lot more helpful today than normal.  i wasnt anticipating the worst, and she gave me the best! 

28 is going to be a life-altering year.