i felt free for a moment. i had a direction, a course, a path i was going to follow regardless of the obstacle. then came the downpour. then also came some sunshine. then came some hail that gave me cuts and bruises.... and now i feel as if i am sitting on the side of the road admiring my battle wounds. current situations feel like salt being poured into the deepest ones. sometimes it's like im crying out in pain and more salt just keeps getting poured on. i'm being told it's for the better, that good things will come of it.... but all i feel right now is a stinging pain where my heart used to be.
i do the math and nothing adds up. i think back and regret my choices. i find myself thinking too long and too hard about things that are not as they somehow should be. my body feels heavy. my head feels hollow.
i know this is only a temporary train of thought though. it's 3 in the morning, i'm overtired and working overnight. of course melancholy drama is going to seep into whatever open pores are available.
i want better. i want to be genuinely happy. i want all the negative nancys out of my life and all the phonies and fakes away from me... i want to surround myself with happy people, with good people, with nice people. i dont want arguing and drama. i dont want dissension and blame round the clock. sometimes i feel as if i bear some unnamed guilt in my sleep... i would accept it if i believed it were true.
my thoughts are as loose and incoherent as someone that's put away one too many.
i should stop here before i say something i regret.