Saturday, July 16, 2011

polident smiles

i keep being reminded by quite a few sweet, dear friends of mine to be positive.
it's nice to constantly have that reminder, but sometimes.... damn it, sometimes i just wanna be pissed off and angry and sad and whiny.  sometimes i want to be allowed to have a self-destructive streak without being reminded that i'm not acting appropriately.

maybe it's my adult nature wanting to lash out like a child.  maybe it's because i simply feel too dead and tired to pick my guitar up and write a song.

i don't know that i am completely happy with all the choices that have led me to where i am now.  i dont know that i really want to deal with the weight of change to bring me to a place where i assume i'll be happy.  the grass is always greener right?  what if there is no grass?  what if there is a girl, sitting on a fence, staring at mud?  what if there's nothing but mud?  what do i have to compare anything to?

it sucks that deep down i do know where i want to be and am too afraid to move.  or, i take baby steps and am constantly frustrated with my progress, or lack thereof. 

it also sucks that im so overemotional.  i never know if my unhappiness stems from being on the far side of things.  what if everything is fine but my warped girl-tastic mind has stretched it to somewhere it is nowhere near?

my heart says one thing and my brain says another.  then there's my "gut".... the ever ignored common sense generator.  that has become mute in my small world.

and what a small world i have.  i escalate the tiniest issues and make mountains out of grains of sand.  am i that bored and boring?

i gave up on meditation a while ago because i just cant make my brain shut off for a few minutes.  i'm contemplating returning to that once more.  i wonder if i just took a step back and lived in the moment, embracing the here and now, if my outlook on the present would change, or if i would be more motivated to follow through with change..... would i see things the same or would they be much different from what i think they are now?

i carry so much guilt and fear .... vulnerable little me will broadcast it to whomever is reading.  i want so much that i feel guilty.  im fearful to go after what i want.  im afraid of letdown and rejection and failure.  im afraid of making a mistake that will ultimately ruin what crumbling remains i have left to stand on.  i feel guilty for wanting change... for assuming i deserve better and not being content with what is now.  is that my real problem?  am i just not content enough?  am i just so greedy?  will i ever be content?  it's like after i had audrey, my mind snapped and i want this massive life overhaul.  is it that i finally woke up or is it that i'm being a demanding child, kicking and screaming for what i want and demanding it now?

it's amazing what 4am does to the brain.  my fingers can't type fast enough as the thoughts are flooding out... i have so much on my mind and this electronic therapist is offering no suggestions to my many questions and dilemas.

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