Sunday, July 3, 2011

another year gone

every birthday i sort of just sit and reflect on the year past and debate whether or not i made good use of it.  it all started when i turned 19.  i had been extremely suicidal and depressed most of my adolescence.  one year, all my friends that i had come to know in my new "homestate" were out of town or out of the country, so i was pretty much alone.  i took a walk to a bridge and stared out at the water.  i started thinking about jumping.  i began to think about drowning.  and then something cracked me upside the head and i realized, i'd made it another year.  maybe my life wasn't perfect or exactly where i wanted it, but i'd made it.  i didnt quit.

since then, every year i make sure i spend some time by myself and just reflect on the past year and see where i'm at.  sometimes it's a rude awakening, other times i feel very proud and accomplished.

so .... 27. what a rough year.  it was a total blur.  i was learning how to be a mommy and be a working mommy at that.  i made a lot of life changing decisions.  i quit a semi-stable job with pretty decent income to take a pay cut to be able to go back to school.  but after years of griping and complaining, i'm there.  i start in october.  i grew a lot personally i think.  some of that i attribute to being a parent and having to be a grown up even when i just want to lash out like a child or act inappropriately.  i came to terms with a lot of things about me i never wanted to face or deal with before.  i cowered.  i caved.  i gave in to fear.  i made new friends.  i lost a ton of weight.  i grew more confident and then had all that confidence run into hiding. 

so this year... 28....
what will become of me this year?
well, for starters, i'm going back to school and should be done before i'm 30.  i am working on saving money so i can go do things i want to do for a change.  i am being more forward and direct with what i want and not having any shame about it.  i am going to ask for help.  i am going to learn to love who i am, body and all.  i am going to work hard and strive for better.  i'm not going to settle for things because they are convenient.  i see big changes on the horizon.  big things and better things.  i dont know in what areas of my life they'll come, but i feel as if chapters are closing and as much as i enjoyed reading that same chapter over and over, it's time to move on so i can finish the book before it's due back at the library and i get charged an astronomical fee.  this year, i am going to be "selfish."  i am going to make sure that i get ME time.  i'm not going to feel guilty for it.  i am a great mom, i work hard, and do a lot.  i deserve it.  im going to stick up for myself this year and not get walked all over and taken advantage of.  i dont deserve that. 

this is a year i dont want to waste on pessimism and anger.  this is a year i dont want to wallow in self pity and sadness.  this is a year that i want to be productive and meaningful.  this is a year i have no shame in the person that i am and am becoming.  this is a year that i accept me for me.  this is a year for change and for better things.  this is going to be a good year.

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