it's hit that point in my weekend, in my overnight, where i am so tired.... where nothing makes sense and my brain starts to space out and carry off to places it doesn't dare venture in the waking realm.
and so i thought i would write and see what comes out. maybe my brain is so constipated from me trying to be "normal" that this is the only time it can come alive and be its true self.
it's funny the more tired you get, the more you can feel everything. i can feel every ache in every muscle.... i can feel the sting in my tired and dry eyes.... i can feel how hard and heavy it is to breathe....everything smells funny too..... words look weird and i cant spell.... dyslexia is predominate at this point in time and if not for spell check you would be seeing all of these blunders right now.
everything at this point in time feels absolutely meaningless.
like i just dont get the stress.
things will come and go as they please and do as they may.
having plans.... time frames and schedules.... ideas even.... they all just seem so foolish and stupid. sure we should all have goals and wants.... but some things.... the things i find myself day in and day out worrying over and hemming and hawing over... meh. not really worth it.
i hate that it takes me being THIS tired for life to make sense.
life should be just a pursuit of happiness.
for example... i dont get chicks with eating disorders. i mean shit yeah i used to be one but like.... throwing up for nearly 5 days straight and losing 10 pounds in a short number of days had me thinking.... why was i stressing to be this "magic number" on a scale? i didnt feel any different or act any different.... i was still loud and weird. i just looked bonier. and i started wondering who decided that bony was pretty.... because i know lots of bony girls that are just bitches. yeah there is no nice word for it, they are just bitches. food is really fucking good and yet to be this magic number, to hit this magic weight and size.... you deprive yourself of socializing and enjoyment. not to say hey lets all be fat asses but you know what i mean.
where is this balance? where is this balance where life is just about being happy and enjoying yourself? why? why do i have to spend my waking hours hustling and bustling for a dollar to not even ENJOY that dollar? all my money goes to EVERYTHING but fun. it makes no sense to me. again, not to say im going to be an irresponsible fuck, but.... why can't there be wiggle room for fun and pleasure?
and why does everything have to be labeled and defined and set out? why are there restrictions and rules to interpersonal relationships? WHY CANT WE JUST WANT WHAT WE WANT .... and have it? not to say lets all be whores and spread std's like it's the newest craze, but....
maybe i just dont understand change.... like the way people change.... all of a sudden there's this label and they have to dress different, lose their hobbies and ditch their friends.... they have to SETTLE.
maybe that's the big thing.... i DO NOT like settling. it's so ugly. it just cascades to the bottom and sits in this horrible little dusty looking lump. and then you have to shake it and stir it and swirl it around to get it out of the way and incorporated back into what it was meant to be a part of. i dont want bits and fragments of myself floating around.
maybe id like to be like jello. (ps if you know me at all i hate that shit and it fucking scares the life out of me.) but maybe id like to be this mass of solidity. i move a little if you poke me but im firm. i hold my shape. (ok new analogy cos im literally dry heaving at the thought of jello.)
conclusion is that i need to live on a hippie commune somewhere or something... or live in amongst artists and musicians. maybe the fact that all of these emotions are stirring is a good thing.... because ive recently started surrounding myself with people like that.... and i feel like all my sediments are being stirred and moved and reincorporated back into ME.
i lost myself with J..... for 4 years i just abandoned myself. to this day i dont even know why or what for, but i was 24 and very lonely and stupid i guess. it didnt even happen at once, but it was bit by bit, compromise by compromise (of myself cos he never compromised a damn thing). and maybe i wouldnt have been ready then for what is to come. maybe now is where i need to be. but this shaking and stirring has me all sorts of uncomfortable because.... for so long i was a pile of shit and now... this shaking it has me undone, bits of me floating around, suspended in some form of liquid space.....
now i get to see what i was really meant to be.... a delicious beverage perhaps? time will tell.
OH TIME damn you. you always sneak up into the conversation. you are my greatest nemesis and BFF all at once. one day i will appreciate you im sure but for now... for now im suspicious. im waiting with my eyes darting back and forth like a paranoid bunny.... im watching you, time.
and there it is. some rambles. im feeling the need for squats and push ups now to stay even further awake. im listening to dead silence because my music stopped. even it has a sound.