questionable sanity

this long night.
these shifts drive me to the brink of insanity, sometimes take me there and back, and sometimes leave me there stranded.
i confide in people at the peak of my nonsensical self-loathing train of thought and lose "friends" faster than i seem to meet them.
i begin to question everything about myself and even my sanity.
is this psychosis a permanent state of mind or is it fluctuating based on the hours of sleep  my week has held?
all i know right now is that my mind is tired and blank, my body is lazy and im not sure if i know anything at all.
if it weren't for the free coffee, im not sure id make it through any of this.
but really in the light of all of the things i could subtweet and all the inner jealousy at those who get to go out and experience life and have fun, and all of the feelings that i am forgotten and easily brushed aside.....
i know someday this will all be worth it.
nights like tonite when i feel held captive against my will.
nights where im left alone with nothing but thoughts that i dont like and that mutually dont like me with the same regard either.
some day these countless hours will all make sense and the greater picture, the broader scope of view will be revealed.
the pinhole spectrum of what i know and understand will spread and tunnel out til i can finally see it all.
but for now, i go back to the mundane and menial tasks at hand.
for now i go back to lonesome silence with my brain.
for now i wish and want and hope and dream of bigger and better things.
days where i can open my mouth and not be afraid of what's just come out.
days where i can be brave and not some hidden little creature.
days where i maybe will matter to someone somewhere and my phone wont be so quiet.

344am.  almost there.