Monday, May 27, 2013

waking up... again

so, i feel awake.
literally and metaphorically speaking.
a) i am super wide awake right now running on no sleep really (surprised?)
b) my insides feel awake and alive... again

i wrote a little while back about the first time (if youre that curious go hunt it down.....im much too lazy to begin that tale again).  today, talking to someone about life aspirations and materialism and imagery...it clicked.  yes, yes, i AM a god damn hippie but also... im awake.

for the first time in quite a while, im not lying.
im not pretending to be a certain way or embracing something i don't believe in to appease someone else, namely members of the opposite gender.
i like who i am.
i like what i stand for and what i believe in.
i think people should hug more and hold hands.
i think people should say what they mean and mean what they say.
i think people should be polite and nice and giving.
i think people should utilize their talents and skills to benefit those that need it for no other reason than instead of not utilizing your skills because the avenue doesn't look profitable or seems stuffy, you should use that skill be it your brain for medical research or psychology or your hands for creating or growing also requires a lot of brain skill, do it to help others.  (holy run on sentence train of thought off course speed racer car batman!!)

shit i hate to sound amazingly cheesy, but playing one song in front of people... after 7 years of hiding....
it feels good to come out. 
it feels good to for once think ONE nice thing about myself.
that although i totally fucked the song up in the beginning and although my hands were beyond shaky and although you could hear my nerves in the trembling of my voice....i did it.
i stepped outside of the comfortable realm of the safety in doing nothing and i won.  people clapped and encouraged me and told me nice things.
people asked for more.

i feel like im in a way different place than when i made music before J.  i was afraid and unsure and just flat out hiding, afraid to think i was good at anything.  shit, it reminds me of 7th grade.  i wanted to play the part of like "orphan 15" in my middle school's production of OLIVER TWIST and my chorus teacher had heard me sing before and forced me to try out for Oliver and i got it.  i remember how afraid i was. this chubby dorky kid ...the wad of gum under the table you only notice when your mind drifts along with your hands at some crappy dive bar and there you find it.  i remember though, when it came time for my solo, the big song that was just going to bring the story together, i froze... i started out shaky and unsure... but then, admist the darkness with the spotlight blinding most of my vision, i saw a few faces in the crowd.... and they looked engaged.  suddenly a little louder, my voice echoed in the auditorium until that one moment, where i KNEW i'd done well (and trust me, ME giving myself ANY positive praise is pretty much a nonexistant scenario).  so the same happened last nite.  i had that one moment where i knew it wasnt about my lack of visible and audible nerves.... for once it was about that moment where, although it wasn't perfect, people knew what i meant and heard it... and they felt it too.

long story short, that moment woke me up again... to a new level of awareness of self.  a new place of just finally finally finally BEING OK WITH MYSELF.  im weird and quirky and shy and giggly and i live in a cartoon world where everyone is nice and no one ever dies.  i play pirates at the park and think about how much alcohol i can incorporate into cupcakes.  i enjoy looking at pee under microscopes and dance partying to old big band records.  i love sound.  i love being able to make sound.  i think everyone should share and be kind and put others first...this is what makes me up....and i like who this person is.  for the first time, being fully aware of myself as a whole and aware of the things that make me up in parts... i like me.

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