oh dear universe

i should be asleep.
i need to be asleep to be quite honest.

but still my brain is racing at the same speed im sure my pulse was at after a very large cup of coffee from bob's java hut today.

i am so at a loss.
i am so confused at the twists and turns and insane little back roads life is taking me through lately.

people come and go in my life quicker than id like.  the revolving door keeps spinning and i stare at empty space.  it makes my heart sad to have to let people go when i would like them to stay and for things just to be as they were.

communication is always flawed and failed.
and im realizing today more than ever, that it has been and always is my own fault.

i say i hate lies.
i hate liars.
i hate lying.
it's stupid.
i say people should say what they feel.
i say people should be direct and upfront.
i say  people should be honest and open.
yet i am not.

i am the worst of all that i don't like or tolerate in others.
i am the best and biggest of the hypocrites.

had i been upfront about my own thoughts and feelings, im sure i could have spared many relationships from going down the toilet into quiet places where not even a hello is thought to be exchanged.
had i spoken up and not lied to myself and others, i could have spared a lot of unnecessary arguments and drama.

oh dear universe...
i love growth and change, but why does it have to be such a lonely place?
i miss people.
i miss laughs.
i miss their stories.
i miss hugs.
i miss the way theyd laugh at my klutzy, spastic self.

im sure our paths will cross again and hopefully in better ways than before, dear persons i miss so much.  know im sorry for the stumbling words that projectile vomited out of me without warning that were never intended to hurt.  i just don't think.  i so very much enjoy this life of letting the breeze carry me that i forget not everyone does.  i forget that just like how ive been, some need to understand and know all areas and aspects of every situation and interpersonal relations- they need to know beginnings and middles and ends.  now im just happy letting it be.  im elated with enjoying the present moment with all the smiles and hugs and inside jokes.  im ecstatic to know that i got to enjoy a few moments with this very special person however brief or long that it may have been.  im happy to know that i was a part of giving them happiness. 

so dear universe, please be kind to the people i miss.  please let them know i miss them if it's meant to happen.  remind them of how amazing they are.  and dear persons that i miss, if you are reading this, know im sorry again for how fumbly my words are and for how clumsily i go about trying to resolve situations. also know how in all honesty, i am thankful that i got to know you no matter how brief the time frame was.  dear persons, if youre in the same boat, i would be happy to know and would like to see you again soon.

the end.