i am so barely here

i walk through life in this lucid state
never really sure of what is here or not here
never really sure of what is real or imagined

sometimes i wonder if my "problems" and "feelings" are imagined

sometimes im not even sure of what's really real

my sleep deprived mind caves to psychosis at times and i wonder when i actually will snap
i don't really talk about shit
i wait til it gets so huge and builds up to be so much that i explode from implosion

i go to therapy, yes, but i don't say much
im afraid that if i let all of these words out of my mouth that someone will check me in somewhere
im afraid that if i tell someone all of the thoughts and feelings i have that they will pity me and run

so i suck it up and bury it down deep where no one can find it
i put on a happy face and prance through life as a merry do-gooder til shit hits the fan
and then...
i turn into like the hulk or something where i don't even recognize myself
im angry and like roid-ragey and i dont like it
it's unfamiliar

times like this where my mind is so tired and my body just feels like collapsing, i wonder what help looks like
i wonder what it's like to have people around you that support you and want to be near you

and then i wonder if ive just isolated myself
so stubborn and self-reliant, i wonder if that has pushed everyone away
i get mad at people for never being nearby just for a hug or to chat or to rescue me from paint splattered hair and a body that probably hasn't seen soap for a few days ... but what if it's all my fault?
what if all of the sadness ive felt for so long and isolation ive known since birth is merely my fault?

i am so barely here
i float through life like a lifeless soul not sure if it's in a euphoric heaven or if it is in the depths of the darkest hell
whether im alive or dead remains in question, but the solid truth is that i am so barely here

i cant remember a god damn thing, be it happy or sad
im a flat out mess that desperately just wants to collapse and find solace in something
but everything is so fleeting and nothing fills
no person, no bottle, no pill, no smoke, no sound....

i love music and lately, sound has even lost its luster and life
im walking and wandering this gray and foggy path barely able to see my own feet in front of me
im walking with outstretched arms and hands feeling my way through because falling just one more time is not in the cards for me
i cant have that happen anymore

i see an end in sight, but as each day passes it drifts further and further from my scope of vision
and with fatigue, my body fails and i lose hope

i just want you to tell me that you know what i know and that things are really going to be how ive seen
i just want someone to call me or text me or just say HI for no other reason
but ive ostracized myself and no one likes the crazy one

im sorry i have compulsive tendencies
im sorry i have debilitating anxiety
im sorry i have ADHD
im sorry that in combination with the lifestyle i am forced to lead being a momma that i have pretty much no life and no energy and have no idea what a hobby or interest really looks like
im sorry that i have let so much build up and have snapped at horrible times and in that torrential storm of emotional nonsense have pushed aside people that wanted to care

i wouldnt know where to start or how to deal with me either
they say im not a lost cause
i know deep down im not
but feeling so barely here i sure feel like one

i know you understand but i fear that these words will shove even you away
if you really got to know the real me, would you like me?
shit, if i really got to know the real me, would i really even like me?

i wonder who she is...
this person comes out from time to time and i like what i know of her
but she is so far gone most days
i wonder where id be now if ...

but this is no time for the what if game...
apparently im at work and supposed to be doing that
but again, my sleepy brain and aching limbs want to do nothing but stand and lean on this kitchen island and stare off into space, enveloping silence and solitude
i like these overnight shifts for the one reason that i can just BE ALONE
no one really NEEDS me for anything
yeah i have things to do but .... the time is mine, at my own pace, and i can process things
life slows down for 8 hours and though im so tired and my thoughts can get carried away from me faster than id like...
the fact that i have thoughts at any sort of speed remind me im alive
alive for me for just a few moments
and honestly, i like that feeling