i have already concluded i am not getting much of this assignment done.
i dont like being serious and i hate powerpoint.
today was ....
probably one of the worst OCD/anxiety-driven days i have had in a long time.
chain smoking like hunter s thompson, shaking as if i were an alcoholic in need of a drink, and rambling like i was on the world's supply of narcotics... that's hot.
i even came home and obsessively started cleaning and organizing with no real reason or trigger.
i think i apologized to bubs about 55 times and told her one day mommy wouldn't be so all over the place and would be able to sit and chill with her.
for now, it's a battle and a daily one at that.
i wont accept this behavior as normal or my permanent lifestyle.
i refuse to.
and from my nonsensical thoughts and erratic behavior patterns, ive pushed a lot of people away in the past few months.
i really hate that ive done that and i really hate that my apologies and my own self are like an expiration of breath, released and let go of.
i understand it is probably very taxing to be my friend right now.
i understand it is probably exhausting to deal with the waves my "normalcy" comes in.
i dont like it either.
it's tiring and wearing.
but im making the same promise that i made to bubs...
this isnt forever and i refuse to accept this as the rest of my life.
i really do hate this.
in fact, right now i find my thoughts trailing to an anxious obsession of hatred for my current state.
im just simply trying to do and be too much and failing to realize that i am in fact human and do not have the means to do and be all.
i hope for your return and for the remaining to please stick with me through this.
it's like gardening... i hate that shit.
in fact, i killed a teeny tiny little "grass plant" we got from the dollar section at target.
i suck at maintenance.
it's a lot of work though with an outside garden.. pulling weeds and all that shit.
i remember being a kid and my dad forcing us to weed his garden.
i used to loathe the sound of roots being pulled out of the ground.
lately, that is all my ears can hear.
the sound of things and people and habits and behaviors being uprooted.
i always felt a little sad when i heard that sound.
it sounds painful.
and now, i know how painful it really is.
and i don't know that im really that good at dealing with pain.
.... which explains my current overwhelmed and erratic state.
i know im buried under all of these weeds.
i know im here.
that sounds crazy but it's completley the only solid truth i have to instill any ounce of sanity into my chaotic life.
like in horton hears a who... i always tear up at the end when they are shouting "WE ARE HERE" and i never really understood til i watched it with bubs for the 500th time a few weeks ago.
due to my mental state, i feel small and lost and forgotten and unheard.
i feel like the freak that hears voices or the freak people living on a speck.
but i am just shouting at the top of my lungs wanting the rest of the world around me to hear that i really am here.
i do exist.
it may not be loud and huge and pretty right now, but im here.
i just want you to know im here.
the sound and stable version is there.
the rational and calm version is there.
it just isnt very loud or visible right now but i want you to hear me.
dont throw me in the pot of boiling liquid to a quick end because you cant see it.
actually the times when i think im the most alone and misunderstood, there's just that one person, like the one that catches the clover with the speck and tells the rest that he hears it... he hears the voices shouting and signaling there IS in fact life.
so im thankful for the one that believes in the horton that hears me.
just, please dont give up on me.
i know where im going.
this current mental hiccup is just that... a hiccup. a flat tire on the long drive ahead.
that is all.