coping...

guys, mental illness is something that is so frowned upon.
it is something that no one talks about because it is a faux pax thing.
it is socially unaccceptable.
it is a weakness.
it means you're crazy and have issues and things of that nature.

it is none of the above.

for most of my childhood, i battled with depression and suicidal tendencies.
instead of cutting like a normal angsty teen, i took keys and any blunt object i could find and scraped at my skin til it was raw and i could see little specks of blood.
i didnt just want the rush of a cut and a rush at the sight of blood.
i wanted to make myself numb from pain in any other area so i could stop feeling what i was feeling emotionally.
no one knew.
i stopped eating when i was a teenager and survived on iceberg lettuce and ice cubes.
since i dropped a lot of weight and was previously a chubby kid, no one knew.  they just thought i was trying to finally be healthy.
i remember throwing up every day on the way to kindergarten on this one tree because i was terrified of school.... terrified of kids who picked on me, terrified of getting wrong answers, and terrified to be there in general.

i lived my life with depression, anxiety, and some mildly compulsive behaviors.
no one noticed.
no one noticed and i thought these were normal.

then i get into adulthood, take my umpteenth psychology class in good ol' community college and find out that these behaviors and thoughts and tendencies are in fact, not "normal" at all.

so i find out i have adult onset ADHD.
i thought this was the root of everything.
until recently.
last spring, i went to the emergency room for breathing difficulties and for having an abnormally high pulse for 3 days.
turns out it was an anxiety attack.
they just told me to "calm down."
right.  ok guys.  thanks for your medical expertise.

the past few months though, i found myself in a debilitating state.
my heart was racing.
i was hyperventilating.
i was throwing up at random.
i couldn't sleep.
my compulsions started resurfacing and i found myself staring at the hardwood floors and obsessively cleaning them.
my body was tense and sore.
i was crabby at nothing and everything.
i avoided things i needed to take care of.
i didn't want to leave my bed.
i didn't want to go to work, pick up my bubs, or move.
my mind was going a mile a milisecond.

i learned about anxiety symptoms in children while at work and realized.... my symptoms fit the bill and while never clinically diagnosed with anxiety, i definitely needed to go back to the doctor and work this out.

so world, today i am dropping out of school for a while.
in 2 weeks i have a meeting with my therapist to try to come up with some coping techniques.

i realized that ive been keeping myself unnecessarily busy and stressed out to avoid dealing with the things of my past and avoid focusing on the mental illnesses that have been holding me back.
it isn't right that i do this to myself.
my health should be important to me physically and especially mentally.
i do not like living like this.

i have been kind of a shut in since november and i am definitely tired of avoiding people because i don't know how they will perceive and receive me.
it isn't right and it isn't fair to keep doing this to myself.

so hey guys, i struggle with some mental illnesses.
so hey guys, i have some problems im public about and no, im definitely not perfect.

before you go judging based on all of the above, understand this....
when you have the flu, an illness, you feel like doing nothing and you feel like shit and you just want everything to go away.
imagine your brain having the flu every day ..... not wanting to work properly, not wanting to move the rest of your body, and constantly being in a heavy, foggy state.
it sucks.
it's debilitating. 
but rest and medicine make your body better, don't they?
well... im off to find what works.
finally.
im admitting i am not mentally healthy, but i want to be there....

im tired of coping enough to just get by.
i want to be free.
no one should live like this.