a moment of absolute vulnerability and weakness

i may be saying just a bit too much here.
i may be typing words that will come back to bite me in the ass.
i may worry some of you and im sorry.
you dont need to worry though.... that i can promise with all sincerity.

a few weeks ago, i sat at this very table in the seat across from me.  i was waiting for cookies to come out of the oven.  i was in a situation that made me feel small, degraded, worthless, and well.... stupid.  i cried.  i cried for so many hours, my eyes were swollen and sore and i could barely see, let alone think straight.  i wanted to end my life that night.  it has been a very long time since i have felt low enough to contemplate suicide again, but with one final push from a very rude person, the idea crossed my mind to the point where i had to reach out to a friend for help.  he raced over, hugged me so long i began to cry some more.  he told me how shitty i looked and bummed me a cigarette.  i promised him i would seek more help.

the next day i talked to my psychiatrist who upped my meds (which has helped a little) and with his recommendation, i promised i would begin going to therapy again.  i need SOMEONE to talk to and be real with....

so until that appointment.... hello interwebs.  meet the real me.

i am so flipping tired.  i know i know.  everyone is tired all of the time always.  i mean i am seriously and ridiculously TIRED!  im tired of everything being my responsibility and fault even if other people could potentially have been held accountable or have helped.  im tired of having to be on top of everything without the wiggle room to be a human and ... gasp... make a mistake.  im tired of having to be "ON" non stop and be like a god damn circus clown, entertaining everyone with jokes and stories and dance numbers.  i feel vacant and void like i dont even know who i am anymore.  i dont know if i have a hobby because i dont really get time for one.  if i get to see my friends (whoever is left of them anyway), im not even sure what to talk about.  my job makes me frustrated and angry.  im exhausted at the end of the day from trying to be super mom for bubs and super employee at work and super me for me.  i continuously come last to the point where i need a serious break.  i don't get to be weak and vulnerable and exposed.  those are moments of attack from everyone around me.  a moment to gloat in my failures and mistakes.  a moment to feel better about themselves because i cracked under pressure.

it's hard to be able to take care of myself because i have no energy.  i am literally non stop for over 18 hours a day and i am tired.  i feel bad if im not around bubs cos then i feel like a bad mom.  i feel lazy if i skip work to take time off.  i run on coffee and cigarettes and maybe a red bull here and there.  i miss making music but am so void of any emotion other than tired that im not even sure where to begin.

since bubs was around 18 months or so, i have been in school, working, and splitting parenting time with her dad.  i never get a babysitter to go out.  i worked weekend overnight shifts through school.  2 years later, i had a 40 hour per week externship along with working weekend overnights, i passed a certification exam for medical assisting and part of my xray license exam (enough to xray extremities), and moved twice along with getting a job and then a different job so i could work with kids.  im just constantly going going going to the point where i am running so much on fumes that im not sure how much longer this charade can last.

world, i am weak.
i can not handle everything.
i am not super mom.
im not super anything.
im just someone that needs a break in the form of some spare money to get  caught up on bills, a few good nights rest, and maybe... just MAAAAYBE a haircut.

i always hope that one day good karma will come my way but instead of the shiny life preserver, i am drowning.... slowly sinking and under the weight of it all.

help.  i need something to remind me im alive and real and a person.
if it doesnt come soon im afraid for the shell of a person i will become.

this moment of absolute vulnerability and weakness was brought to you by me.
please judge responsibly.

external chaos

"give it a few days and everything'll be better..."
but the moments passing til that day send me running for cover
explosive battlegrounds on all sides
testing luck and chance trying to survive
I put my head down absorbing the words that judge and criticize
head down so far I can't see the nearing finish line
just trying to make the best of what is
until the best becomes a real point in time
raising tiny, shaking hands to begin that upward climb
and it's a long one
these couple of days have been all clouds and no sun
drained from knowing it's far from being done
but onward.... onward's my only choice
to weather the storm with lifted fists
keep on pulling myself up with shaky grips
give it a few days they say....
smile through the fear they say
it'll all be okay they say
well I hope they are elite psychics
I hope they know some Jedi mind tricks
because despair is a comfortable place to begin to rest
to take a break from this failing conquest
to try to make better of the worst
and find this hidden best

i wrote this lil bit of nonsense on my fb page today after a complete adult shit storm hit the fan and sprayed every area of my waking life.
i know that sounds completely overdramatic and it would be easy to be like, "hey, kelly.... really.... shut up and realize how good you have it."  
honestly i know by the end of the week, the dust will settle and some things will be ok.  honestly i know that and that's all that kept me from having a serious mental breakdown.  that doesn't stop the worrisome thoughts and increasing anxiety as minutes pass into hours with no resolution to the problem still at hand.

just as i begin to conjure a belief of good things for my life, reality sets in, the dark cloud blankets the display of light and smiles and there i am.... surrounded, trapped, and smothered by the dark despair of a life shit storm.

im trying to hold hope and hold on and just keep going.  im trying to forget the have nots and isnts and things resembling a negative stature.  sometimes it's just so easy though.... so easy to curl up in a ball of sadness and forget everything around you- even forget that life happens and people are busy and you with your misery are not the center of anyone's world.

within this external chaos.... im trying to find the strength to crawl one extra inch so as not to be covered in the smallest amount by dark despair.... im running out of energy though....

a change of status

i could look at this change of status and partly feel bad.

partly feel bad that you finally got the message.

partly feel bad because you are no longer speaking to me, not even a blip on the radar of friend.

partly feel bad because your friend is now texting me daily to see if i think he is too weird to ever hang out with.

partly feel bad because i don't feel all that bad.

i am so sick of accepting blame and feeling sad and sorry.

i am so sick of devouring your affection, love, and kindness for mere days before things are official (again) and you slowly become this self absorbed lump of excuses and coldness.

i am so sick of accepting that as my emotional fate.

a short while ago, i realized i deserved better.

i realized that i am not like some women who want it all.... looks, money, fancy things, dates, presents, 24/7 love and attention.

i am stubborn, self-reliant, busy, and kind of a tomboy.

i realized that what i want is fathomable, legitimate, and healthy.

i realized that i will not settle for less than what i deserve.

what i deserve is this:

someone that doesn't forget when we have plans

someone that doesnt spend hours on their phone on various apps and cant reply to a single text - especially the cute ones telling you something sweet and sincere

someone that CAN tell me something sweet and sincere

someone that can SHOW me they love me and i matter, not with grand, expensive gestures, but simply by being thoughtful and real.... because thought requires no effort or strain.... it's just a reaction

someone that wants to be around me

someone that wants to get to know me

someone that wants me to get to know them

someone with interests and hobbies and a life of their own but also that wants to make time to see me and makes that time a priority

someone that can give me space

someone that can trust me when im not around and not inquire as to every text message or phone notification from various social media apps

someone that will encourage me and inspire me to do music not for any other reason than to see me smile

someone that reminds me im beautiful not because of looks but because of who i am

someone that lets me be who i am

someone with a sense of adventure

someone who can man up, plan a date, and not leave everything up to me

someone who is romantic and can treat me like a lady but also let me play in the mud and climb trees

someone like this does exist.

im in no hurry to find him.

but im in no mood to settle until i do.

so while you may not speak to me anymore right now because you finally got the 14th message of how we are no longer together and i can not at all be your girlfriend because of how up and down you are and how i do not appreciate being called bi polar for having said these things.... i will always miss you and the short time you were someone i thought i could be with before the mask came off and i saw your true self.  youre angry and stubborn and distant.  you're vacant and selfish and the ultimate king of excuses.  

so with the final change of status... i continue on as i did before and you the same.  and should i see you again, i hope there can be a kind hug and heartfelt hello.  maybe this change in status to the point where we are no longer speaking is for the best....

over the hill officially

31
i turn thirty-freaking- ONE on thursday.
holy shit.

young kelly never thought she'd make it to this age.
in fact, young kelly aspired to be a famous musician in some ska band by now.
sorry young kelly.... that kinda ska is pretty dead.

i never thought i'd be where i am.
in a one bedroom apartment, uptown, with bubs and a cat named after my all time favorite food... pickle.

every year that goes by though, i look back at my former self and am ashamed.  i feel like i owe so many apologies and reparations for the things i have done, felt, and said... for the ways i have lashed out and responded so childishly and immaturely.

i suppose that's life though; the perks of growing up and older....

that term... over the hill....
im sure someone thought by a certain age that all acts of childishness and immature rationalizations would be gone by then.... that one has surpassed some figurative hill and is finally on the other side where bad decisions and poor choices don't occur.

i don't think that way.
not that im aiming for failure, but im aware that i will always make a mistake, be in the wrong in some situation, and not act at my best at some point.
but 31...

i have to say that i am grateful to have come this far.
in the past year i have grown a figurative pair.
i stand up for myself  now.
i may not ever have the highest self esteem, but god damn it, now i know that i'm worth more than how i've been treated and refuse to let people step on me as if i were small and miniscule.
i dont give a rat's ass or two fine gold shits about ever having a boyfriend or being in "love" whatever the fuck that actually means.
i love my growth.
i love my friends and the family i have made in recent years that are teaching me to stop being so fucking uptight, to let go, face fears and logical thinking and be free to enjoy and experience life.
i believe in myself now.
i find myself growing at work and facing things with a different persona than i normally would have.
somedays im better than others.....

so here i am, facing a day where i will be one year older....
im grateful that i get to spend it with people that bring smiles to my soul and that are choosing to spend time with me.  i love their lives for enriching mine so much.  i love them for challenging me and teaching me and helping shape and change me. 

im excited for this new year... maybe not the actual number i have to verbalize when asked how old i am, but still.... it's a whole new adventure.

a brief moment

where i reflect upon the fact that i was merely a warm body to release you from your downward spiral.
where i think upon the instances that occurred over and over again.
i am your afterthought.
i am the last thought on your mind in the morning, throughout the day, and before you go to sleep at night.
but you said so much more.
you said three words that mean a lot to someone like me.
you told me over and over again that i was wrong and speaking with an accusing tone.
there are no accusations in truth.
actions speak truth and need not a single breath or stumbling syllable.
you ignored me.
you ditched me.
you refused to spare a second of time for me.
you forgot about me.
you stared at every screen to avoid my face and physical touch.
when you wanted something though...
affection, affirmation, a warm body, encouragement, sympathy, a ride, a beer, or food.... there i was.
you never cared.
you said all of the right words and here i am, round 3, balled up fists stuffed in my eye sockets, trying to stifle the sounds of my sobbing so as to not wake the sleeping child in the next room.
i hurt.
i hurt and i cry not because you were amazing and things went south....
i hurt and i cry out of my own stupidity.
i believed you.
i trusted you.
i shared things with you i didnt share with anyone in a long time.
i let you in to parts of my life that no one has seen before.
you proved to only be selfish and conceited and arrogant.
instead of hearing my pleas for change, you accused me of accusing you.
instead of evaluating yourself and your own behavior, you lashed out in the most unkind tones.
you took to ignoring me when i reached out to you.

so i guess... in this brief moment i reflect on my stupidity.
in this brief moment i sink a little deeper into my tear and snot soaked comforter to find a small amount of comfort.
i doubt you will ever think you were in the wrong.
but your mother who has never even met me was right...
you dont deserve me.
you pushed me away and you lost me.

i waited 6 years for another of your kind to come forward on his promises and be the man he promised he'd be.
he never did.
i learned that lesson the hard way.
so now, round three, fists down... i give up.
you win.
enjoy your beautiful reflection, the sound of your own voice, the warmth of your own self, and the benefits of being alone.
maybe if you dare to date again, try to remember the things i told you so much that they began to seem dream-like in its repetitive nature:
"girls like to be made to feel thought of and important.
we like to be asked on dates where someone just plans something no matter how simple.
we like surprises no matter how small or cheesy.
letting someone know you care about them and are thinking about them doesnt take much time or any money.
it's ok to let your guard down and be gushy and dorky. 
dont watch us cry and yell at us.  it's kinda mean.
don't ditch us to get drunk with your friends.
don't forget about plans you make with us no matter how short the time is that we were going to hang out.
listen to us when we have things to say, especially if we keep repeating that we feel hurt and irrelevant to you."

so, i guess my brief moment has passed.... i've cried out my stupidity.  i've cried out my sadness.
tomorrow is a fresh start with you and all of this in my past.

the older i get, the harder i fall

i swear to it... i'm a sucker.
im so easily duped sometimes it's ridiculous.

i think about all of the fads that flash before me to get thin quick or have a healthier lifestyle or have daily happiness or a successful relationship.

i buy into all of it.

worst of all, im too trusting.
the older i get, the harder i fall.

why is that so, you might find yourself asking?

because i've given up.
ive given up believing that what i want is tangible and real.
i am blindsided by really elaborate promises and words and when all the words prove to be are brittle bits of dust to choke on, it's too late, im in too deep, and there i fall.

all i want is someone who wants to spend time with me; someone who is proud to be with me and can't get enough of me.  someone that knows how to be thoughtful and cute and sweet and realizes that showing someone you care or taking a girl on a date doesn't have to cost a dime.... that it doesn't even require any effort.... just thought if the person really means anything at all.

and i never do.
im a warm body so they don't feel lonely.
im a chaueffer.
im the glutton that eats the lines and lies.
im the one that puts in attention and thought and instigates conversations and love.
im always left hanging, dry, and empty.

no more.
i would rather be alone the rest of my life than deal with one more immature, selfish, little boy that does not know how to properly treat a lady.
im all for being gushy and cute on someone and have to say i am a thoughtful girlfriend, but when no effort is put my way in return and it's all "i was gonna do this" or "one day we should do that" and never any concrete, visible signs.... im done.
like i said, it's far too easy to pick someone a flower to show you care or write them a note or surprise them with a visit or take them for a hike or make them dinner or give them a back rub after a long day...

i deserve to matter to someone and until someone proves to me i can matter to them without lying to me and cheating on me or feeding me empty promises of coulds and woulds and shoulds.... when someone effortlessly loves me and doesn't let me doubt it for a second... i will not settle or put up with anything less.

maybe i sound bitchy or pretentious or needy or greedy.... im tired of being the one to upkeep a relationship all on my own.  im tired of being neglected and forgotten....i deserve to feel loved and valued too.

it seems to get worse as i find men my own age, but.... maybe somewhere out there someone is a kind and gentle soul.  maybe somewhere out there my dorky robot boy has my birthday balloon for me and a dorky mix cd.  maybe one day he'll hold my hand and kiss my cheek and sit with me in blissful silence smiling because that is what makes sense.

maybe one day.

stop and read the signs

literally.
i had to watch an xray positioning video (ok more like 5 or 6 mini ones for a whole hours) and i was bored out of my skull.  i was at one of the doctor's desks and started noticing the amazing pictures he had from the 70s where his mustache was absolutely fantastic, his beautiful and large family, and all of the really inspiring quotes on his wall.  they were all about giving and being selfless and humble.  this one stuck out to me so hard and i can only hope to strive to put this into greater practice every day. 

so im sorry to be cheesy with a post about an inspirational quote, but i notice (myself included in this lump sum of persons) that there is SO much complaining going on around me about what isnt, and how things arent fair, and the have nots.... this stuck out to me and i thought id share cos i know i could sure use this reminder too....

"promise yourself::
to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. to talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person that you meet. to make all your friends feel that there is something in them. to look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true. to think only of the best, to work only for the best, and to expect only the best. to be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are for your own. to forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. to wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature you meet a smile. to give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others. to be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
- dr. lindsey dewey pankey"