Saturday, May 19, 2012

an addendum to my previous note or rambling of thoughts if you will.

i've spent over half my life looking for this person, this (i hate to say) fictitious person that fits all these qualities (some superficial, but most not).  obviously since i have a kid, the proof is obvious that i've settled.  i've compromised my standards and given up.  i just get so tired.  it's like being on a road trip.  you feel like you've been driving forever only to look down at the clock and find that it's been almost 90 minutes.  BUT you're focused so much on where youre going and where youre not and where you are that you miss amazing sights.  i remember driving through wisconsin wishing the damn state would just END.  it was growing tiresome and i swore if i saw another quilt store i was going to defecate on it.  i feel like with life, with this journey im on, i have some destination, some place i need to be and want to go.  im in such a damn hurry to get there that im missing the green of the trees, the different shades of tan and gray on the rocks, the hidden little gems on the side of the road either man made or from mother nature.  i'm missing these amazing and almost breathtaking seconds that i can never get back simply because i am so fixated on my final destination.
maybe it's not so much the destination but the journey getting there.  maybe it's not so much what you'll see when you arrive, but what you'll see along the way.  maybe it really isn't so much THAT you got there, but how you got there.  i have a lot of letting go to do.  i need to let go of this ideal that i have put on a pedestal for roughly half my life.  this brown haired boy with perfect hands and feet, a nice smile and nice teeth, tall and lanky frame, amazing musical talent, drive and passion for life and the people and things in it, an old soul that thinks outside the way the world tells us to, a free spirit that isn't afraid of a ketchup fight,  someone that can laugh, and someone that just appreciates me and lets me appreciate them back.  as good and grand as all of these things are, maybe it's just time i let it go.  that old old saying "if you love something let it go....." the premise being that if theyre meant to be yours theyll return.  well maybe i need to let go of this want.  if it's meant to be it'll happen.
i stress this subject so much because i have so much love to give and i love sharing it.  but i have a daughter.  i have some hilarious and testy residents.  maybe im just meant to pour myself into them for now.  maybe it's not about me.  gasp.  could it really be that my life is not about my happiness and maybe more about giving of myself to others to make THEM happy?  gasp dear kelly.  gasp indeed. 

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