Sunday, May 27, 2012

a bull in a shit shop?

i honestly read things i've written months ago as an outlet of expression for the pain or angst or even remote happiness i was feeling at the time.
i've come to a conclusion dear world, and by world i mean whatever person sees this and feels like reading into the inner workings of my attempt at a brain.

i think i am far to abrasive for most.  i don't like being bullshitted with.  don't dance around the issues.  give it to me straight.  don't ignore me if you don't like being around me or don't want to see me ever again.  don't tell me you're busy if you in fact want me to leave you alone.  don't tell me you're "finding yourself" if you're simply into someone else.  don't tell me we're friends if you talk shit about me.  don't tell me we're friends if you never want to hang out with me (and i know i have busy friends so i don't mean you at all).  don't tell me you like my songs if you are going to insult me behind my back.  i don't like people holding back how they feel towards me, good or bad.  if i wrong you, i expect you to tell me so i don't do it again.  if i hurt you, i expect you to tell me.  if i make you happy or feel important or loved or amazing, i expect to hear that too. 

on another note, i WILL tell you what i think of you.  i will also tell you when you upset me or hurt me.  i will be honest and upfront and forward.  i can see how that's a turn off for many male and female, friend and "friend" alike.  i don't care though.

i've spent far too much of my life being bullshitted, lied to, cheated on, and have put myself in the company of far too many fakes and phonies.  i have spent countless hours listening to meaningless dribble about make up and fashion and hot guys.  i have spent countless hours listening to peoples' recaps of their weekends and all of the many times that they got laid.  i have spent weeks listening to drunken recaps that i could honestly give a hoot about.

basically, i don't want to be bullshitted with.  i expect people im around to be as real as i try to be every day.  be honest, upfront, forward, intuitive, aggressive, and humble.  be simple, be real, and  be open.  that's how i live my life and that's how i expect the people around me to be as well.

yes, not everyone is as social as i am.  everyone comes from a different background with a different story and there are many reasons why they can or can not be the way i expect them to be.  maybe a lot of my issues with others is that i hold them to these standards that they simply can not fit.

well, if that's the case, maybe i need to reevaluate who i am choosing to surround myself with and who i am spending countless hours investing emotionally into.

maybe this year, i will be getting to know myself far better than i intended.

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