of course i just go on a rant about how i hate everyone for being such jerks cos im different and then.....
then i hear my sweet resident singing in her sleep. i hear her roommate snoring. i poke in and check on my other resident who is sound asleep in his odd position. here are people that are truly ostracized for being different. here are people that have a MORE difficult time finding acceptance among the masses.
and i complain about a handful of people thinking im loopy and not wanting to talk to me anymore?
i take so much for granted. the fact that i can walk and speak for myself. the fact that i can toilet and feed myself. the fact that i am free to make my own decisions without needing prior approval. the fact that i have a job and a house and a daughter that loves me no matter WHAT. the fact that i probably have far more food in my house than i need for the 2 of us.
i mean above everything, yes my life is humble. yes, i go unnoticed. yes, i get ostracized from being me. but really, what does that matter in the grand scheme of things?
i look at my residents and they are the sweetest, most loving people (even on their bad days, i smile). they notice when people stare and act funny around them. they notice but they keep going. they live and laugh and love with no shame.
im reminded of SL. oh how that man taught me to just laugh. to just enjoy the simplest of sounds and laugh. to get lost in the few moments of silence interrupted by some johnny cash before the chaos of the morning house routines began. that man enjoyed the simplest of pleasures. on his death bed, he still had room for ice cream and cheesecake with a smile through his pain. moments like now i miss him. i miss talking to him even though he couldnt have a conversation back. i miss his smile and his laugh reminding me how easy i really have it.
im lucky i have this little family here to remind me of these things. i think above all, i really am one of the luckier ones.
and yes, i probably sound incredibly bipolar ... maybe i am and maybe i just needed to sit and be reminded of the grand scheme of things. who knows the reason? im just glad it clicked.