Friday, May 25, 2012

funny how cleaning up literal shit makes you think of all of your personal shit

my overnight shifts could be much better spent than me cleaning toilets and listening to my resident singing herself to sleep and suddenly getting metaphor after analogy about the nonsense called my life.

i need to throw out a disclaimer.  this post is very candid, very personal, and is probably going to make me sound whorish.  im aware, but i have no problems sharing my life.  it is what it is and i take no shame in that.  my choices have shaped who i am as a person and daily i am realizing the good and the bad.  this time, im realizing some bad.

so, i had my ex J.  after we split he wasted no time getting a new woman, so i figured, why not just go on dates.  i mean, really, in the 4 years J and i were together, i don't really know that we went on more than 3 dates that he actually planned.  so i did.  i went out with, let's call him Mr. Z.  now, i can't really blame Mr. Z.  i was in relationship mode and he was not and he really liked my kiddo and seeing them play together freaked me out and so i stopped talking to him.  then him having lots of female friends along with the males, weirded me out and my psycho female brain went into overdrive.  we took a hiatus and since, i'd say we're better friends.  don't ask Mr. Z though.  i don't want to know what he'd say haha.

next came a friend i'll call Mr. Y.  Mr. Y was a close friend for a while and we hung out.  it was nice to talk to someone my own age since Mr. Z was much younger than I.  i started to fall for Mr. Y as i was still in relationship mindset.  Mr Y made it clear he wanted nothing of the sort.  so, we remained friends.  then a situation arose where Mr Y thought we were dating and never talked to me about it.  so.......................... needless to say i nearly lost a friend over that one.

now here is where the timeline gets foggy cos i was hangin out with a few people at a time and i really don't know the order of things.  Mr C was just a friend with some benefits but he was a rare occurrence since i think he was lying to me about having a girlfriend and i might have been "the other woman."  Ben was.... sweet and thoughtful and a single dad and we hit it off great.  we both just wanted to be see each other casually and see where it went.  then out of nowhere he stopped talking to me and got VERY odd.  so there went that one.  then, there was Mr B.  Mr B oh jeez.  he also was younger than me and things moved VERY fast.  so much so that where i was comfortable with it, he panicked and freaked out and although, HE is the one that said much of the things that were making it move fast, he blamed it on me.  all of it became my fault to the point where it was like mental anguish.  here i had this guy texting me telling me he wanted to take me on proper dates and wanted to see where this went and he was GREAT fun, but sure enough, either me in general or me being a mom was too much for him to handle.  on occasion i will text him a hello, but he is content to not speak to me anymore.  then there was matt.  matt kinda iced the cake of "HOLY SHIT"  for me.  here is a real class act.  so we hung out and got a few beers, really had a blast, and even made plans to hang out again.  he was dorky, skateboarded, was an architect, and a divorced single dad.  he didnt mind i was a mom and his son was his whole world from what he said.  well, the second time he came over, he cooked dinner and brought it to my house and we watched 30 Rock and hung out and .... apparently his ex called 3x while we were eating and he called her on the way home.  the next day he tells me she's pregnant and he is going to pay for the abortion she requested but needed some time to clear his head before we hung out again.  and OH the joys of facebook exposing the lies lies lies of humanity.  i wonder sometimes if mark zuckerberg knew just what he was doing and how many lives he would ruin and consequently save with this social networking site.  that's besides the point.  so, i see on facebook he is with his ex at various restaurants for like 3 days in a row.  i shoot him a text.... not the psycho girl text but a "hey man, what's the deal?" kinda text.  what i get in response is "listen ms drama don't contact me ever again."  within minutes, he has blocked me and deleted me from facebook and refused to answer another message.  im assuming i was either the "other woman" again, or there was in fact, no abortion.  (don't get me wrong im not like advocating baby killing here just sayin....)

from there, a friend came and went to satisfy some needs and then there was Mr P.  Mr P had it all.  the looks i love, music.... and he was fun to hang out with.  but.... for some reason, just like always, im either just too much, read men totally wrong, or say yes to the wrong people.  he even gave me a lil keepsake of his ..... i of course was through the roof about it, but after a week or so of not talking to me.... id say its time that went in the trash.

in between there were many more emotional connections on my end that ended with me hurt as the gentleman of my affection went on to find another and left me wondering wtf i did wrong.

that is where i am at if you are still reading.  i need to stop thinking everyone is honest.  the world is full of lots of honest people yes, but lots of people are out for their own gain and will say anything to make themselves feel better or "get ahead" in some respect whether that's by having sex with a hot mom or making a woman feel like shit.  honestly, if you think i have sex with guys cos i have no self esteem and need to find worth somewhere, sorry youre wrong.  it's just great fun.  im more a true Cancer.  i'm emotional.  i thrive on emotional connections with PEOPLE.  i just happen to love the opposite sex SO much and they are SO not emotional people.  this is why im glad my best friends are usually guys.  i get so much good insight as to why i keep getting hurt.

damn the movies and all the romance novels in the world straight to hell.  they teach us to look for these things and want these things that are so superficial and unrealistic.  honestly, no guy talks like that or acts like that.  im sorry, but even the nicest are just not that way.  most of those are written by women or gay men anyway.  not that that's wrong but i mean, what dude that is a real "man's man" is gonna write about a woman getting swept off her feet by some charming, pure, honest man?  i mean the odds are so slim.

so what now for kelly?  what now?  well now, im stuffing my face with blueberries and grapes.
but what after?  i think i need to remember WHY i split with my ex.  i wasn't appreciated or valued or loved.  if no one can be that for me, then i will be alone.  and i don't know why the world teaches us to fear being alone.  somehow through tv and movies we are taught to idolize relationships and that being single is a curse.  it's MY time right now.  it's a time that hasn't been since.... oh.... 2006?  i have learned so much in 6 years about what i want and desires i have put on hold since i was 15.  my dorky robot is out there somewhere with a red balloon just for me (it's the tattoo i have drawn up for the next one).... he'll find me when the time is right, if the time ever comes.  all i know is that im not settling anymore.  i'm not having some cheap facade of a fling just to say that im not single.  and yeah here and there a girl's got needs but.... what im trying to get across is that it is no longer my focus.  my focus is to finish school, be a great mom, make music, and hang out with friends.  my focus is to make others smile and let others know how awesome they are.  my focus is to grow and change and be a better version of myself every day.  the robot with the red balloon is out there somewhere and he will be nice to me and be silly and dorky on me.

the moral of the story friends.... hold out for what you really want no matter how time consuming it is and how impatient you really are, a lesson i am reminding myself of daily.  i can't wait to blog about my happy ending and all of the lessons i learn in the time it takes to get there.

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