i don't know what's been going on lately... it feels as if for the past week or so, it has been non stop learning and growing and changing and realizing about myself. it is thoroughly exhausting. i hate to say that i hate it, but i do. i mean, who wants to be humbled to that level EVERY day? who wants to face their uglies and atrocities and plain ol yuck behaviors and thoughts?
it hurts.
it hurts to see how selfish ive been. it hurts to see what a self centered, horrible friend ive been. it hurts to see that i cant rejoice with others highs and share with their lows. it hurts that i get jealous when others are happy because im not in that moment too. i almost hate to see others succeed cos i think to myself "what about me? when's my time?" i mean really kelly haines? really? ME ME ME! MY MY MY MY! how much more awful could i get?
the main lesson that keeps ringing home is that life is so much more about me and what i want and feel i deserve. i hate to sound pessimistic cos im not attempting to but what if life isnt about what you get from it? what if it is all about what you give?
it kinda reflects on a point that a friend was making the other night when we were all chatting. he basically brought about the point of perception. what if the way we're living is based off a ton of misconceptions? what if instead of assuming things are one way and meant one way, that we try not to decode and decipher everything and just take things for what they are?
i mean honestly i keep getting hit over and over again that life is much bigger than ME. i mean i have my residents and audrey to care for every day and whether im in a good mood or bad, that doesnt change what they need or who they are or WHAT KIND OF DAY THEY ARE HAVING? what a fog of selfishness i live in and how EASY it is to do. the circle of friends i have that i call my family, when do i ever stop to call or text and ask how their day was? i can't say i have thought about that for a while. i wait til time has distanced us and then try to repair burned bridges.
maybe my current funk would be lifted if i would just stop living in this day dream where i matter most of all, because I DONT. yes, i need to learn to take care of myself and let people help me. yes, i do. BUT.... the haze of self that i live in on a daily basis is exhausting.
so, im taking another step to move forward in my growth as a human being on whatever time i have left on this planet to just give until there's nothing left. if im meant to have anything, it will come when its meant to..... ie, my dorky robot boy, someone to come around just hold my hand and give me a hug sometimes, a whole load of money and getting rid of this god awful house, being happy and having a social life. i mean, these things will come as they are meant to and the more i try to force them to be and feel like im being cheated because i "have not" the more selfish and miserable of a creature i become.
what a sad life to live walking this planet in such a state of self. the world is much bigger than I or ME. the world is full of unloved people and helpless people and people that just need a smile or a "how are you doing?" or even a note written in secret to let them know their value.
i have a lot to learn and a lot of growing to do. it's exhausting and hard, and gosh darn it some days it really sucks. it would be so easy to just ignore all of the change that is going on and that needs to take place. but i cant ignore it. i dont want to be this shell of a kelly i was made to be.
so, i guess i have a lot of work ahead of me.
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