Saturday, May 19, 2012

ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

so very fitting that this song was on the radio when i was driving this afternoon.  then i saw a dragonfly and a butterfly.  the two of them seemed to be lingering by my side while i was sitting outside on my front stoop enjoying the 90 degree warmth.
my brain has been going 100mph lately and it is racing at speeds that are almost too much sometimes.  it is making me realize that i am at a crossroads in my life facing my biggest goliath yet.  PATIENCE.  ever since i was a kid i remember battling this hairy giant with tears and frustration.  my tiny rocks and slingshot against this mammoth of a beast.
hate to say that i am a 28 year old child but i still am.  i cry and kick and cuss and hissy fit at this monster.
for a long time, the monster was self esteem.  i was thinking that no one liked me and that i was worthless.  i felt unappreciated and unnoticed.  BUT now it's more.... i want someone to spend time with.  im at a point where i dont want meaningless flings week by week.  it's slightly embarassing that when i talk to people about my social life, i either don't know who they are referring to or they guess like 8 different names before i tell them who im talking about.
i want change.  im craving it like no other.
but here's the downfall in list form.
the very very very big #1, i have a kid.  not many males are ok with that.  it is almost like saying i have herpes or gonorrhea or something.
#2, i am very overbearing.  im aware of that.  ive been compared to a hyper puppy at times.  i get excited and show it.
#3, i am strong and know what i want.  i speak my mind and have no shame in that.
#4, im super affectionate and verbal about it.  i say how i feel and have no heebie jeebies.  again, something most men find as a turn off.

so where do i go from here?  maybe i wake up.  maybe i wake up and realize that patience is not the enemy.  without it, i would continously run head first into brick walls, suffering multiple "concussions" througout the remainder of my life.  maybe if i find someone im interested in, i dont vomit all my feelings and thoughts on them initially, cos 9 times outta 10, their true colors come out and either they get their ex pregnant, have a wife i don't know about, or end up being one shady ass mother fucker.

i learned my lesson last time not to change myself for someone.  because of that, i lost a passion of mine (music) and became a deadened version of myself.  sure, i was with someone, but.... they weren't with ME.  they were with a very watered down version of myself.

so again, where do i go from here?  i wish i had the answer.  i wish i knew how to slow down and be patient and for the love of god just SHUT UP!!!  not everyone needs to hear all the inner workings of my girlish heart.  i can see how that can be crazy scary.  i wish i had a filter.  i wish i had a brain sometimes.

im at the point in my life where i just want someone to hang out with, someone to talk to, someone to laugh with, someone to make inside jokes with, someone to make cupcakes for, someone to make me mix cds like when i was 15, someone to write me dorky notes even if it just says "hi" with a smiley face, someone to take walks with, someone to listen to rain with, someone to make music with, someone to hold my hair while i vomit, someone to give back rubs to, someone to hold my hand, someone to cuddle with, someone to sleep beside.  i want all these dorky little things that make life more enjoyable.  i want someone to see the brighter side of things with me or point it out when my eyes are too tired to see it.  i want someone to challenge my way of thinking and push me to be a better version of myself but never cause me to compromise my values or personality.  i selfishly want someone to write me a song.  i want someone to sit and smile with.  i want to be able to talk to someone without words- through a smile, a glance, or music.  i want someone to just get me and that i get and that no matter how far apart or close we are that there is never any paranoia or suspicion or jealousy or cattiness.  i want someone that has their life and lets me have mine.  i want someone that appreciates how hard i work and that im a single mom.  i want someone that is my friend.

where does this person exist?  probably on a far off planet.  i never used to know what i want and now it's almost like since i do know, im in a hurry to get it.  im reminded of "of mice and men" where lennie meant well but killed like EVERYTHING HE TOUCHED.  he wanted so badly to just love love love and show affection that he didnt realize his own strength.  he would go to pet a bunny and snap its neck in the process.  i do the same thing.  i get this cuddly little bunny and cuddle it and love it and BOOM off with its head and it's dead and cold before i can say "mix tape."

so patience, wherever you are, you scary beast of a frenemy, im waiting for you.  im waiting to slay you and win this battle.  i feel like im facing my toughest challenge in life thus far.  i thought growing a pair and thinking better of myself as a person was tough.... nothing could have prepared me for what im about to face.  the rejection, the DEjection, the highs and lows, and the tidal wave of tears and laughs that are about to come are going to be overwhelming.  but without facing this monster called PATIENCE, without staring him dead in the eye and not cowering in fear, i'll never be the person im meant to.  i'll always wonder what if and kill baby bunnies, and im no bunny killer or coward.

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