Saturday, May 5, 2012

so i mean yeah i watched garden state and that movie is full of over the top analogies from persons that probably don't think or speak that way in reality.  but it got me thinking in real time for the first time in a long time.

i hold back.  i know plenty of you that know me and hear me on a daily basis and the crap that comes out of my mouth would say otherwise.  but dear world, i hold back.  i can think of what i really want out of life and that is making music.  the happiest i was last week was hanging out, meeting new people, and ... well, i didnt make any but i listened to what other people made and hummed along while no one listened.
and then there's that.  my happiest moments were on stage getting lost in a song with my eyes closed, squinting and seeing the smiles on some peoples' faces.  i want that.  i crave that life.  that feeling of being completely awake and alert and seeing sights for the first time.  i want audrey to be able to have fun memories of her mom on stage and maybe even pursue that avenue herself.  i hold myself back so much with music though.  i don't know when it happened or what precise example i have to state why it is the way it is, but im afraid to fail. 

yes, i am 28 years old and afraid of a four letter word.

i remember the times where my music was mocked and not received, where i was mocked and not received and somehow it put this fear in me.  im afraid to let anyone down, mostly myself.

im tired of that.  im tired of it.  im tired of some airbrushed facade i live sometimes.  i pretend to be so confident and im not.  im more afraid than anything. 
all it does it make me do and say and feel such stupid things.

where do i start and where do i end? 

bleak thoughts aside, i decided through this long ass thought process that enough is enough.  im tired of being afraid and not realizing my full potential.  i was afraid to make a decision for 4 years regarding my ex.  i did it though.  i did it and things weren't ALL sunshine and lollipops, but.... the world is so much brighter.  why am i prepared to waste ANY MORE TIME holding back and not moving?  life is a great adventure and if im constantly strapped in the middle seat with my seatbelt on and never climbing out the window and hanging onto the roof of the car, i'll never feel what alive really means.  it would be sad to waste my years never knowing.

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