Tuesday, December 25, 2012

my heart on the string of my sleeve

im a hopeless romantic.
a believer in the bullshit.
a holder of hope for the redeeming twist of fate.

i put up a front that im disgusted by "love" and all it's gushiness.
reality is, i love music and movies from my grandparents' era simply because deep down i love that classic, romantic swagger about it all.
i love the story my grandma told me of how her and my grandpa got together.
how patient he was and how he pursued her even though she was kinda keeping her options open.  (go grams!)

the modern day kelly is a hard exterior with a completely gushy center.
i have to be hard tho.
or at least i think i do.
i have to be strong and tough and put together and on my own.
i have to show A that she can do anything she wants.
i have to prove to myself that i can do it on my own and that i don't need anyone.
that last sentence.... i dont know why.

i think the reality is im not sure i can remember the last time someone was genuinely nice to me.
i cant remember the last time i was paid a genuine compliment without there being some ulterior motive.
i cant.
(by the way these statements apply to the male gender only and not my "bro's.")

maybe im too nice.
maybe im too trusting and too giving and ...
too stupid?
too gullible?

i like to believe there is amazing amounts of good in everyone and repeatedly am bludgeoned over the head with the reality that people are inherently selfish and self serving.
the society we live in is a "gimme now" and "nower" kind of society.
we have everything at our fingertips and are no longer prompted to give and be kind.
we are prompted to get get get and crave more more more and be forever unsatisfied.

i feel like im living in a fantasy... a disney movie of sorts.
i appreciate the little shit.... a picked flower, a sticky note with a few kind words on the bathroom mirror, someone else making dinner and/or cleaning up, random moments of complete sweetness.
i spend my days making sure everyone else is happy and taken care of and feels loved.
i just assume that is all everyone wants - to feel loved and accepted and taken care of....
so why not just do it regardless of reciprocation?

there comes a point though where you spend and spend and give and give and are running kind of low and dry.
you become cracked and a bitter, jaded, cynical little miss.

im at war with my innerds.
i would love to one day have someone there as my partner in crime, my adventure buddy to have dance parties with and listen to records....
i would love one day to have the goofy life that i picture in my head.
the realist in me says to my head and my heart "shut up fool, it's not real."
so im kind of torn.

i want to believe someone can be genuinely nice to me and not for some ass or what little money i do have or to better their own self esteem, but sincerely just because they value me as a human.

maybe one day?

and then i get angry cos i know some pretty terrible females and they are the center of the male world and always liked and admired and i....
im the filler, the in between, the one until better comes along.
and that gets really annoying.
mostly because i realize it a little too late.
red flags and warnings and sirens are going off the entire time and i am completely oblivious because someone is seemingly kind to me.
then when i snap back into  reality and see red flashing lights everywhere, i'm usually burned and it's a little too late.
i have to say i have gotten a little better at putting my foot down and doing the dumpING instead of being the dumpEE though.

it's easy to UNanger at the girls that are always in demand and are always admired.
three simple words making an amazingly empowering sentence that i remember on birthdays and holidays and random days when im alone with my cat and A is asleep.


i refuse to be used for ass.
i refuse to be walked all over.
i refuse to be forgotten.
i refuse to put up with alcoholism and denial.
i refuse to put up with childish behaviors.
i refuse to put up with someone who has no goals or ambitions or drive.

i know what i want.
and if that means my fairytale reality is going to be put on a complete hold for the rest of my life and all i will be is a being that gives and loves until they are spent completely, then so be it i guess.
i would rather love others than have some bullshit figment of  "love" in return.
i had that.
i don't want it again.

i want something real and genuine and simple.
SIMPLE is key.

im a simple girl with simple pleasures.
im a nerd to the core.
i have the whitest white kid dance moves but will shamelessly flaunt them just because i can.
i would rather smile and laugh than be serious and "adult."
i like to find entertainment in the most mundane situations.
i love making people feel special and happy and important.

so one day....
one day the old school era of men opening doors and doing the pursuing.... the old school era of dancing withOUT grinding all over someone's junk.... the old school era of being simple and honest....
i'll wait for that please.

til then............ hugs for everyone.
i have plenty of amazing people in my life that love me for who i am and appreciate and value all of my quirks and oddities.
for those i am thankful and truly blessed beyond belief.
i have more support than i will ever understand and am not as alone as i would like to sometimes believe.

so i think im ok to have standards and wait.
i've never been much for settling anyway.

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