my one year "soloversary"

i cant believe i forgot about it.
december 3 i believe, last year, my life changed in a very intense way.
i was living a lie.
i was heavy inside.
i was overwhelmed and burdened and a fraction of the person i knew i was and should be.

a stranger.
a person i wanted to be friends with and am currently not, spoke the most truth to me that any friend or foe has ever stated to me in my life.
this person i had met once and talked to three times that had no remote interest in me, set me the straightest.

i was lying to myself and to J.
i was pretending that what was, was ok.
i was pretending that i could endure always being second.
i was pretending that i enjoyed being housewife, and mom, and student, and employee while he just coasted and did as he pleased.
i was pretending that i didnt want flowers and little notes around the house just letting me know i was loved and appreciated.
i was pretending that i enjoyed always being the shadow and never being a person of worth and value.

and i admitted it.

and then i was alone.  as alone as a woman can be with a 2 year old.

i have to say this past year has been so awful and so amazing.
i got broken into again, lost my house insurance because of it, met some amazingly terrible people, and have had all sorts of money troubles.  i have had to take the role of dad and mom.  i have had to weed and learn to trim trees and mow.  i have had to do home repairs and stop basements from flooding.  i had to deal with mice in my house.  i have had to learn to adjust to no sleep and no social life.

but i have to say that the lessons i have learned and the people that have stood by me and supported me and encouraged me and just have been a great example to me have kept me going.  looking at audrey's sweet face and seeing her smile when i let her just be herself or break out of  the rut im in and just act silly with her.... it's enough.  it's enough to help me get through the day and make it to the next.

i have learned so much about being alone.  yes, i have had some awful interactions with men and some pretty shitty experiences this past year.  spending 4 years with someone makes you forget "the game" and you have these newfound expectations that are apparently nonexistant in the world you live in.  what you want seems like a fairytale to others because they havent gotten to the point you are at yourself.

and thats fine.

i can say i love this journey.  i hated it.  some days its so hard and maybe i do hate it.  some days i want someone there to hug and just to laugh with or dance party with or just to take me for a drive to some remote place to just be in silence.  but i dont have that.

im learning a lot about who i am tho and what i do have.
im stronger than i give myself credit for.
im less alone than i think.
i have a very long road ahead of me.

i appreciate the hiccups that have brought me to where i am.
i appreciate all of the people that have lied to me and cheated on me and talked down to me.
without that, i don't think id understand who i am and what im really worth.

so yes, i may be a complete nerd who likes robots and microscopes.
i may have a loud laugh.
i may be quirky.
i may be completely upfront and outspoken.
i do dorky things to show people i care.
i may have odd clothing choices.
i may be the simplest of creatures.
i may be a hippie.
i assume that everyone deserves love and hugs and that life should be simple.
i assume the next time im with someone it wont be an effort and a chore.

i believe that somewhere, in this weird and huge world, there is one friend that is waiting for the same thing that i call reality.... this concept that the person you know you are should be loved and respected for that and not changed to meet some standard or ideal that they have set for themselves.  this concept that youre not a matter of convenience to this other person, but someone they genuinely just want to be around and share experiences with.  this concept that a "relationship" is something you have with family and friends and a special friend and that regardless of the person you have the relationship with that it's all the same... showing love and consideration and thoughtfulness.  that it should really just be simple and easy and effortless.

so maybe that will take some time.
all i know is that this past year has given me a lot to examine and has provided a lot of growth.
J moved on right away and thats his choice and i feel like he is missing out on so much.
i know that i am finding myself again and i like who i am.

so happy soloversary to me.