Friday, December 14, 2012

if we dont die next week...this is for 2013


this year is almost at a close and i have a whole new year ahead of me.
i swore up and down 2012 would be drama free. 
i swore so much would happen and i would be somewhere so different by now.
it's funny how we always think we know best for ourselves and life has another plan.
there's a lot more for us to learn than we think.

i have come across some terrible, heartless, mean, cruel people this year.  i have trusted people that did not deserve my trust or attention or affection and i have come out hurt while they have gotten off without being sorry or a scratch on their skin.

and that sucks.
that has made me so mad sometimes.

but in reality, im not responsible for them.... just me.
and they'll get theirs.

i have learned some really hard lessons but i have also come a long way.
i am a lot stronger than i believe i am.
i can do a lot more than i think.
i really need to believe in myself more.
and i care where others do not.

i may make a huge ass out of myself and put myself out there too much to people that don't deserve it and get used and cheated on and lied to in the long run, but... i'd like to think that im somewhat closer to finding my dorky robot boy and maybe have pointed some things out that people otherwise would not have heard because they only surround themselves with people that coddle and support them and don't challenge them to be a better version of themselves.

i am doing great as a single parent.  yes, i have my bad days and get grumpy and yes, i am tired and pretty worn out but... i'm doing something many cant.  i put my daughter first every day of my life.  everything i do is based around her and what would make her happiest and what would help her be a better person. 

i am doing far better in school than i could have ever imagined.  i need to believe in myself more though and maybe that comes from never ever being encouraged in pretty much anything ever.  i've always been doubted and ignored.  now i see myself drawing blood, assessing cells with microscopes, performing tests and learning about xrays and... this was all stuff i thought i was too stupid for a little over a year ago.  look at me now.  4.0 every quarter.

i have to say i am a bit drained though and maybe that's why i put myself too much out there with the male gender.  in fact, it is quite pathetic but i got audrey, myself, and my roommate each a stocking for christmas.  his is filled, hers is filled, and mine is sad and empty.  audrey has presents under the tree and.... yeah i dunno it's just a little sad.  i don't get why someone wont just be nice back to me.  i like being thoughtful and surprising people and being nice and i just dont understand why so many with a penis can't think with anything other than that.  i mean shit, i am pretty laid back for a female and if i found that santa had left me colored pencils and a notebook id be happy.

J never did holidays or anniversaries or random acts of niceness.  so i guess i just should be used to it by now.  what's another holiday or day gone by?  all this crap this year has done is remind me what i DONT deserve and yes, it's sad i believed and trusted people and all i can do is hope that one day someone will remember that although i am strong and stubborn and independent, im still a girl.  i still just want someone to appreciate the little things and remember i exist.  so maybe one day.

on that note, 2013 has a new plan.  already music and muay thai are taking precedence and i am beyond stoked for my classes even tho i have to drive to blaine twice a week.  i'm getting to the end of some things and hopefully the beginning of some others.  i can only hope for some niceness in the new year.





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