i didnt think i had one.
i thought i was being a girl.
i thought i was just eating a lot and then feeling bad after cos i ate so much.
i called it "stress."
i thought i was supposed to compare myself to everyone and everything around me.
i thought all of this was normal.
apparently it's NORMAL for girls to obsess about their size and shape and be so preoccupied with every miniscule detail about how their clothes hug their body or how they look naked.
apparently it is NORMAL to be ritualistic about eating.
apparently, these compulsive behaviors, for my gender, are NORMAL.
guess what world.... no, they are not.
i long for the day when audrey can have snacks around the house (yeah im about healthy eating but who doesnt enjoy a treat every now and then?). why cant she now you may ask? because i will eat them. all. i even labeled something as "AUDREY'S POTTY REWARD COOKIES" and i ate them... all.
and no, im not overweight by any means. my doctor said im healthy. i dont have any medical conditions from this but...
i have a compulsive disorder you may not even KNOW is an eating disorder. BED is binge eating disorder and it is very real and very horrible.
and i dont like it controlling me any more.
it's the most awful cycle of compulsion, guilt, regret, paranoia, compulsion....
i scrutinize my body based on a number in my pants, a letter in my shirts, and how the male gender receives me- naked and clothed. i assume girls want to be my friend now cos im the fat funny one.
i wont even go to muay thai anymore cos i started to look at pictures of the other girls that trained next to myself and i thought i looked too big. while for some that may be motivation, for me, that made me want to hide. big beefy kelly. big mama. i hate it.
i joined a gym by my house where no one knows me and i get a free hour with a trainer to get me going and get a routine for me to work on. you want to know the first thought that went through my head? "the person will judge me for how fat i am and how much my body jiggles when i move."
and then i ate cereal.
WHO DOES THIS SHIT? WHO THINKS LIKE THIS?
me. i do.
i make jokes about eating whole cakes and pizzas by myself (which i can dont get me wrong) but.... the reasons behind it, the amount before and after those things.... the amount of times that things like that get done on a weekly basis.... THOSE are things that are not a joke.
and it controls everything all the time always.
i would love Love LOVE to go one day without scrutinizing my body, measuring my size up to someone else, or feeling too disgusting to approach people to talk to them and make new friends. i always assume people are staring at the same things i do... my sweet sweet imperfect body. i assume people waste their time making fun of me. i feel like if i were thinner and prettier that i wouldnt come across as bothering people by saying hi. i assume that my being quirky and nice is so ill received because of the size and shape of my appearance.
that is what i knew as a kid and in early adolescence til anorexia became my bff. she got me so many new friends. guys paid attention to me too. so, logically skinny = well liked. right? makes sense.....
this pattern of thinking is too much. this stress to be perfect in every area of my life has to be nipped in the bud somewhere. im starting here. i want to be HEALTHY. i want to be FREE.
im not writing this to whine.
im not writing this to get attention.
im not writing this for pity.
im writing this cos i never knew. i never knew i wasnt alone.
i never knew this shit was real and an actual disorder.
i just thought i was a fatty.
i cant make any more jokes.
it's kind of taking over.
i dont recognize my face or like who i see.
i dont like judging myself and assuming others see the same.
i dont like pulling at every inch of my skin.
i dont like being sad i cant see my rib cage.
i dont like avoiding mirrors or only finding ones that are from the bust up.
i dont like buying clothes a size or two too big because i dont want to let anyone see my shape or any bodily flaws of "excess."
oh my god what i would give to know how the rest of the world sees me.
there was a girl in my class last quarter that said she would kill to have my body, yet i am repulsed at the very sight of myself.
i even despise showers because i just am weirded out being naked.
what a fucked up way to live and think and exist!!!
there are days where food has such an overbearing personality.
it's "bad" or "evil" or "in charge" of me.
i wont go on dates if a guy asks me to go get food.
i'll eat in front of girls that like eating and those are the days i silence the evil voice that dictates what foods are "good" and what are "bad".... but still sometimes after i compare myself to them. how much bigger i am or how much more i can eat....
some days though, im actually ok.
but those days where food takes on a superhero role or a villainous role is ludicrous on both ends.
it has to stop.
so i just learned february is national eating disorder awareness month.
how strange the month i am taking steps to take control of this unhealthy relationship, i learn that this is a month to make others aware.
so hey internet world.... this binge eating disorder thing... not normal. eating disorders go well beyond anorexia and bulimia.
the worst relationship one could ever be in is a relationship with an eating disorder.
you rely on them and need them yet hate and despise them.
you know theyre hurting you and are bad for you but you cant let go... it's familiar and comfortable, and in some cases, all you know.
and then that scares me.
i have a little girl.
she sees some of my wacky patterns and habits.
i dont want her to have this same "good food"/"bad food" issue i have.
i dont want her to worry about her size and draw her worth from that.
i dont even know why I DO.
i know it's foolish and wrong and stupid on so many levels. yet i cant help it.
so tuesday im meeting with someone that hopefully can shed some light on this and offer a little bit of advice and help.
and hopefully soon dear reader, whoever in the great big world of internet webbings you may be, i will have my own blog post of triumph. i will be able to win and have a great story to tell.... from beginning to end.
i want to slay the giant with the pebble and slingshot.
i want to cut the dragons head off.
i want to ride off into the sunset victorious.
and i can.
and i will.
and i cant wait to tell you when it happens.
until then, enjoy my very open tale of struggle. i have a feeling i will be posting about it more often as the journey goes on.