Thursday, February 14, 2013

id like to stab cupid with an arrow

i hate valentines day.  sure when youre a kid in grade school it's cute.... you make little "mailboxes" and give each other like barbie or superhero cardboard valentines that come with a cool sucker or those shitty candy hearts that taste like chalk.

when you grow up its so much about a boyfriend/girlfriend scenario.  it's about what they got you and what you got them.  it's this forced focus on having to be with someone.

and its stupid.  i can be straight and say that since i was a kid, i havent had anyone do anything for me.  like honestly there was never that one moment on this ridiculous holiday where i was like "damn i feel important."

the onslaught of moronic male figures that have come in and out of my life faster than people in the white castle bathroom post-eating is just insane.  i mean, up until my ex, it was sad how little i mattered and how much i put up with it as normal.  then i got a self esteem.  then i wanted to know i mattered.  then i spoke up.


yeah i am absolutely the worst at conveying how i feel.  i can write papers for days and have them make absolute perfect sense.  trying to tell someone how i feel and how their actions cause me to react and feel.... nope.

yeah i have issues.  who doesnt?  it takes a real person to accept someone for who they are, issues and all.  again, who DOESNT have some sort of shithole story about someone that really fucked them over and ruined them.  sadly.... haha with the way my life goes, i have about 7 or so stories that could make your jaw drop.

so lets just say im broken.   im a broken record really.  same stupid trusting me.  same cheating asshole.  same selfishness.  same ignorance.  same scenario where i matter zero.

and i cant take that.  not anymore.  something inside me snapped.  i have to stand up for myself because no one else will.  what makes ME any less of a person?  what makes my feelings any less valid?

no, you dont have to AGREE with how i feel but just HEAR ME.  try to step inside my chaotic and DEMANDING life to just understand.

and no one ever does.  the way i say how i feel and the fact that i AM saying how i feel... it comes across bitchy, demanding, abrasive, offensive, pushy.... you name the negative adjective it probably has been spoken of me.

my normal pattern is to go into hiding.  excommunicate myself from mutual acquaintances in some awkward fashion.... i lost so many people that way.

im tired of feeling so alone.  im tired of feeling like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and my back is about to break.  im tired of feeling like i have to be ON and PERFECT and AT MY BEST ALLLLLL THE TIME.  im tired of feeling like i have to be EVERYTHING for EVERYONE at ALL TIMES!  it's not possible.  i need rest.  i need a break.  im going to snap.

i always have to compromise and deal with things... thats just the way they are.  NO MORE.  since i was a kid ive been fiesty... i want reason and sense.  i am explosive and passionate and, well, kind of a god damn hippie.  maybe thats why i make a good mom.  i just want everyone to be happy, have fun, be fair and kind and accept people for who they are but be OPEN to seeing other peoples' viewpoints and be willing to change when necessary.  no not change YOU because that's just silly, but i dont think sometimes we realize how our actions and behaviors can be seen or felt by others because in our mind, we see it a totally different way.

oh the power of human perspective.

anyway, back to the point of hating gushy shit....
because of how words have been so misused and how ive even BEEN used, it's hard.  it's hard to decipher the genuine from the fake.  it's hard to know when is ok to trust.  it's hard to know when its ok to be honest and to feel things that may not be accepted.  it's hard to know how to say what you want to say without coming across like a moron.  and then all of the above ball up into the perfect shit storm which is every relationship ive ever been.  i either pick horrible people or its just me.  id like to think a little of both.

and my timing is off like WHOA.  i never listen when my gut says slow down.  i never listen when my head reminds my heart (or the other way around) of recent events.

somehow tho i am the fuck up.  somehow tho i am always at fault.   i assume that people are only saying certain things to me and mean them.  i assume that i can share my feelings and fears and thoughts without being judged.  i always run too fast with the fastest of runners and cant keep up the pace.  i say the wrong thing at the wrong time.  i ask for clarification.  i have issues from my past that rear their ugly faces at the worst times scaring me back to my iron fort.

maybe i should make it my residence.

im tired of being put on full public blast for expressing how i felt.  everyone is entitled to feel regardless of agreement or not.  sometimes, especially as a female, you just want to know that youre being heard and understood.

god damn the female brain.

so back to my own two feet.  time to tie the shoes again cos i keep trippin over the laces.

happy hallmark bullshit day.

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